Post by Elliot Kane on Apr 13, 2009 12:28:14 GMT
Finding The Right Relationship For You
At various times in our lives we seek relationships for many different reasons and in many different ways, yet most of us make the same basic mistake: we assume that everyone else is looking for the same things as we ourselves, and thus that everyone we meet is a prospective romantic partner. Worse, we believe that attraction automatically indicates compatibility. Nothing could be further from the truth and it is the goal of this article to correct this misapprehension and the many others that have resulted from the over-romanticisation of relationships.
It is not the goal of this article to tell you the kind of relationship you should be seeking, but rather to help guide you in finding the one that you truly want.
The first step really should be to set out some questions you should be asking yourself, but in fact that is rather impractical without first defining at least a few of the types of relationships that are out there. Please note that marriage, cohabitation or any other social status is irrelevant to this, as people can often mistake not only their own motives but those of others and end up making a commitment that they neither feel nor intend to honour.
Here are just a few of the more common types of relationship:
The Learner Relationship
Many teenagers and young twenty-somethings use their first few relationships to 'learn the ropes' as it were. These types of relationship are not intended to be serious or lasting, but to gain experience in how to deal with others in a romantic - or more often sexual - context. The Learner Relationship is never intended to lead to any kind of commitment and only rarely does. It is meant to end after a few months at most.
The Relationship Of Convenience
When two people get together because they feel awkward being single, haven't had sex in a long time or otherwise seek a partner for reasons that are more cosmetic than romantic, the result is the Relationship Of Convenience. This is one of the two types of relationship also favoured by homosexuals who are not ready to come out of the closet yet, as it 'confirms' to their social circle that they are hetero. When a better partner comes along for one or other, this type of relationship usually ends.
The Casual Relationship
Two people who get together on a 'what the heck' basis - often purely for sex - define the Casual Relationship. One night stands come into this category, as do open relationships and any other type where the emphasis is purely on sex or sexual freedom. This type of relationship is all about sex and rarely if ever lasts. 'Friends with benefits' would also fall into this category.
The Business Relationship
When people marry to cement an alliance or agreement of some sort, be it dynastic or business, the result is The Business Relationship. It may be the trophy wife who exchanges sex for a life of luxury, or the person who marries a celebrity in order to bask in their fame and glory or get rich from their reflected fame. Either way, love is no part of the deal, though one or both partners may feign it or even talk themselves into believing it. This type of relationship can last but as one or both parties are usually looking for the 'bigger, better deal' it is rarely a recipe for long term happiness. This is the second type of relationship favoured by homosexuals who are still in the closet, including those who feel their career may be harmed if people knew their true sexuality. Many gay politicians traditionally form these kinds of relationships.
The Long Term Relationship
The hardest to find because it requires the most commitment, this type of relationship is two people aiming to be together for the rest of their lives. The traditional fairytale ending. Increasingly hard to find in the West for many reasons.
Please note that the true nature of any relationship can change over time, so the intent does not always result in the actuality. This list is by no means exhaustive, dealng only with common types. Relationships being rather messy, they are often a 'mix and match' affair anyway.
***
Now we have defined a few relationship types, it is time to get down to the kind of questions you should be asking yourself about your own attitudes and those of any prospective partners. You will need to be honest with yourself and to look at your actions as well as what you think you are after. Are you behaving in a way that will damage your long term hopes of getting what you want, or that will help you? Always remember that Habit is the prime human motivator: a person with destructive habits does not magically change overnight just because of wishful thinking.
Questions You Should Ask Yourself
What type of relationship am I looking for?
Long or short term?
Fun or serious?
Am I looking for love at this point in my life?
Your answers to these questions will also determine your approach to the rest, so be brutally honest with yourself. Your friends and your family are not you. Do not ask what THEY expect or want, but rather what would make YOU happy.
How important are compatible ethics/morals/beliefs to me?
This includes positions on such diverse things as religion, animal rights, politics, etc. Anything you may hold strong and very personal views on. If you cannot ever agree to disagree on a certain issue, you will need a partner who agrees with you else the constant annoyance will eat away at your relationship.
What are my minimums?
In looks?
Intelligence?
Education?
Age?
We all have minimum standards, whether we like to admit to them or not. There are things we just could not live with, however engaging our prospective partner may otherwise be. Someone who is significantly below our minimums in one or more vital areas is not a good prospect, whatever their other virtues.
What about my maximums?
Be utterly honest with yourself: are you going to be happy with someone who is vastly smarter than you, hugely more educated or who makes you feel inadequate about your looks? How about someone who is older than Rip Van Winkle? Maximums are as important as minimums. Never under-rate yourself, but don't make the mistake of thinking these things don't matter. They do. Any potential partner will have their own minimums, whether they know it or not.
Am I looking for any special characteristics?
Personality, humour, long hair? Anything that you personally find attractive and want in a partner. The list can be as deep or as shallow as you like. When it's done, ask yourself how many of those things you NEED. The rest are simply bonuses.
What are the real turn offs, for me?
Look, voice, beliefs, habits, etc?
We're talking the real relationship-killers. These are highly personal to you. Do not try to pretend that something that really makes your skin crawl would really be OK when it wouldn't. You only need to admit this stuff to yourself.
What do I offer a prospective partner?
Can you be an emotional rock, or are you an emotional wreck?
You'd be stunned at the number of people who don't even think about all the things they can bring TO a relationship, rather than what they want OUT of a relationship. Work out what you are good at, what you can actually bring to any relationship you are in. List your good qualities. You have a lot more to offer than you think you do. Don't pretend to be anything you're not, but don't under-sell yourself, either.
What do I absolutely need in a relationship?
Humour? Similar interests?
Not what you ideally want, but what you truly need. How important is it to you that you should share common interests and be able to do things together? Will you need time to do your own things? If you have a career, how important is it that your other half should be understanding and supportive?
What is my attitude to sex?
Is it special to me, or just a bit of fun? Do I give it any special significance? Do I just use it to feel loved or alive?
Always remember that a person's attitude to sex is indistinguishable from their attitude to relationships. It is one of the best guides there is to the amount of commitment you can expect from a prospective partner - or from yourself!
What am I prepared to give up?
If you are a smoker or a drinker and your other half wanted you to stop, would you do it? Would you move across the world in support of them, or do you love where you are now too much to ever move? This is a nasty one, but requires absolute honesty from you. Relationships are often about compromise and sacrifice. Obviously the degree of permanence you are looking for will affect your decisions on this. Saying 'everything' is not good, BTW.
Anyways, by now you get the idea. Each of you will doubtlss have other questions to add to your own personal list. As a starting point and general indicator, hopefully this will help but it is by no means intended to be exhaustive. Each person being unique, there is no way it could be.
Please remember that knowing your own desires and attitudes is a start, but you also need to know where your potential partner stands. It takes two people to make a relationship and misunderstandings lead most often to sorrow.
Good luck!
***
Been meaning to do this one for a while. Bit hard to get right, though.
At various times in our lives we seek relationships for many different reasons and in many different ways, yet most of us make the same basic mistake: we assume that everyone else is looking for the same things as we ourselves, and thus that everyone we meet is a prospective romantic partner. Worse, we believe that attraction automatically indicates compatibility. Nothing could be further from the truth and it is the goal of this article to correct this misapprehension and the many others that have resulted from the over-romanticisation of relationships.
It is not the goal of this article to tell you the kind of relationship you should be seeking, but rather to help guide you in finding the one that you truly want.
The first step really should be to set out some questions you should be asking yourself, but in fact that is rather impractical without first defining at least a few of the types of relationships that are out there. Please note that marriage, cohabitation or any other social status is irrelevant to this, as people can often mistake not only their own motives but those of others and end up making a commitment that they neither feel nor intend to honour.
Here are just a few of the more common types of relationship:
The Learner Relationship
Many teenagers and young twenty-somethings use their first few relationships to 'learn the ropes' as it were. These types of relationship are not intended to be serious or lasting, but to gain experience in how to deal with others in a romantic - or more often sexual - context. The Learner Relationship is never intended to lead to any kind of commitment and only rarely does. It is meant to end after a few months at most.
The Relationship Of Convenience
When two people get together because they feel awkward being single, haven't had sex in a long time or otherwise seek a partner for reasons that are more cosmetic than romantic, the result is the Relationship Of Convenience. This is one of the two types of relationship also favoured by homosexuals who are not ready to come out of the closet yet, as it 'confirms' to their social circle that they are hetero. When a better partner comes along for one or other, this type of relationship usually ends.
The Casual Relationship
Two people who get together on a 'what the heck' basis - often purely for sex - define the Casual Relationship. One night stands come into this category, as do open relationships and any other type where the emphasis is purely on sex or sexual freedom. This type of relationship is all about sex and rarely if ever lasts. 'Friends with benefits' would also fall into this category.
The Business Relationship
When people marry to cement an alliance or agreement of some sort, be it dynastic or business, the result is The Business Relationship. It may be the trophy wife who exchanges sex for a life of luxury, or the person who marries a celebrity in order to bask in their fame and glory or get rich from their reflected fame. Either way, love is no part of the deal, though one or both partners may feign it or even talk themselves into believing it. This type of relationship can last but as one or both parties are usually looking for the 'bigger, better deal' it is rarely a recipe for long term happiness. This is the second type of relationship favoured by homosexuals who are still in the closet, including those who feel their career may be harmed if people knew their true sexuality. Many gay politicians traditionally form these kinds of relationships.
The Long Term Relationship
The hardest to find because it requires the most commitment, this type of relationship is two people aiming to be together for the rest of their lives. The traditional fairytale ending. Increasingly hard to find in the West for many reasons.
Please note that the true nature of any relationship can change over time, so the intent does not always result in the actuality. This list is by no means exhaustive, dealng only with common types. Relationships being rather messy, they are often a 'mix and match' affair anyway.
***
Now we have defined a few relationship types, it is time to get down to the kind of questions you should be asking yourself about your own attitudes and those of any prospective partners. You will need to be honest with yourself and to look at your actions as well as what you think you are after. Are you behaving in a way that will damage your long term hopes of getting what you want, or that will help you? Always remember that Habit is the prime human motivator: a person with destructive habits does not magically change overnight just because of wishful thinking.
Questions You Should Ask Yourself
What type of relationship am I looking for?
Long or short term?
Fun or serious?
Am I looking for love at this point in my life?
Your answers to these questions will also determine your approach to the rest, so be brutally honest with yourself. Your friends and your family are not you. Do not ask what THEY expect or want, but rather what would make YOU happy.
How important are compatible ethics/morals/beliefs to me?
This includes positions on such diverse things as religion, animal rights, politics, etc. Anything you may hold strong and very personal views on. If you cannot ever agree to disagree on a certain issue, you will need a partner who agrees with you else the constant annoyance will eat away at your relationship.
What are my minimums?
In looks?
Intelligence?
Education?
Age?
We all have minimum standards, whether we like to admit to them or not. There are things we just could not live with, however engaging our prospective partner may otherwise be. Someone who is significantly below our minimums in one or more vital areas is not a good prospect, whatever their other virtues.
What about my maximums?
Be utterly honest with yourself: are you going to be happy with someone who is vastly smarter than you, hugely more educated or who makes you feel inadequate about your looks? How about someone who is older than Rip Van Winkle? Maximums are as important as minimums. Never under-rate yourself, but don't make the mistake of thinking these things don't matter. They do. Any potential partner will have their own minimums, whether they know it or not.
Am I looking for any special characteristics?
Personality, humour, long hair? Anything that you personally find attractive and want in a partner. The list can be as deep or as shallow as you like. When it's done, ask yourself how many of those things you NEED. The rest are simply bonuses.
What are the real turn offs, for me?
Look, voice, beliefs, habits, etc?
We're talking the real relationship-killers. These are highly personal to you. Do not try to pretend that something that really makes your skin crawl would really be OK when it wouldn't. You only need to admit this stuff to yourself.
What do I offer a prospective partner?
Can you be an emotional rock, or are you an emotional wreck?
You'd be stunned at the number of people who don't even think about all the things they can bring TO a relationship, rather than what they want OUT of a relationship. Work out what you are good at, what you can actually bring to any relationship you are in. List your good qualities. You have a lot more to offer than you think you do. Don't pretend to be anything you're not, but don't under-sell yourself, either.
What do I absolutely need in a relationship?
Humour? Similar interests?
Not what you ideally want, but what you truly need. How important is it to you that you should share common interests and be able to do things together? Will you need time to do your own things? If you have a career, how important is it that your other half should be understanding and supportive?
What is my attitude to sex?
Is it special to me, or just a bit of fun? Do I give it any special significance? Do I just use it to feel loved or alive?
Always remember that a person's attitude to sex is indistinguishable from their attitude to relationships. It is one of the best guides there is to the amount of commitment you can expect from a prospective partner - or from yourself!
What am I prepared to give up?
If you are a smoker or a drinker and your other half wanted you to stop, would you do it? Would you move across the world in support of them, or do you love where you are now too much to ever move? This is a nasty one, but requires absolute honesty from you. Relationships are often about compromise and sacrifice. Obviously the degree of permanence you are looking for will affect your decisions on this. Saying 'everything' is not good, BTW.
Anyways, by now you get the idea. Each of you will doubtlss have other questions to add to your own personal list. As a starting point and general indicator, hopefully this will help but it is by no means intended to be exhaustive. Each person being unique, there is no way it could be.
Please remember that knowing your own desires and attitudes is a start, but you also need to know where your potential partner stands. It takes two people to make a relationship and misunderstandings lead most often to sorrow.
Good luck!
***
Been meaning to do this one for a while. Bit hard to get right, though.
