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Post by ss on Jan 12, 2009 20:36:42 GMT
A gas station owner in Mississippi was trying to increase his sales. So he > put up a sign that read, "Free Sex with Fill-Up." > Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex. > The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed > correctly he would get his free sex. > The redneck guessed 8, and the proprietor said, "You were close. The > number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time." > A week later, the same redneck, along with a buddy, Bubba, pulled in > for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex. > The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess > the correct number. > The redneck guessed 2 this time. The proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 3. > You were close, but no free sex this time." > As they were driving away, the redneck said to his buddy, "I think > that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex." > > Bubba replied, "No it ain't, Billy Ray. It ain't rigged. My wife won > twice last week."
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Post by LaFille on Jan 14, 2009 0:41:09 GMT
Here are 4 minutes and a half of cat funnies... ;D
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Post by Hildor on Jan 20, 2009 7:59:51 GMT
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Post by Galadriel on Jan 20, 2009 14:21:39 GMT
Such a cutie!!
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Post by Konrad Flameheart on Jan 20, 2009 15:19:49 GMT
Thats funny
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Post by killerzzz on Jan 21, 2009 5:15:55 GMT
Lol, sounds like a Mogwai! Killerzzz
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Post by Ubereil on Jan 21, 2009 19:49:16 GMT
Übereil
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Post by Galadriel on Jan 21, 2009 20:36:00 GMT
Nice looking horse! ;D
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Post by ss on Jan 22, 2009 1:04:47 GMT
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back. ! "Oh my, I am so sorry, " "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says. the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal wit h all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible! "You know, "he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet? " "No, "she replies. . . " Wait for it. It's coming. The suspense is killing you, isn't it? She says: "You just happened to catch my eye."
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Post by Galadriel on Jan 22, 2009 11:40:43 GMT
That was dark, was it not?
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Post by Alrik on Jan 28, 2009 16:04:02 GMT
Just found this in a signature over there at Revolution ("Broken Sword"):
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Post by cleglaw on Jan 28, 2009 23:19:40 GMT
Just found this in a signature over there at Revolution ("Broken Sword"): How many Dyslexics does it change to take a light bulb?
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Post by LaFille on Jan 30, 2009 1:50:29 GMT
Just found this in a signature over there at Revolution ("Broken Sword"): That's cute, lol. ;D
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Post by Hand-E-Food on Jan 30, 2009 2:23:30 GMT
That's cute. My cats will do the same if they have a tasty chunk of meat and another cat or person nearby. It's angry noms, not cute noms.
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Post by ss on Jan 31, 2009 21:47:17 GMT
Question: - Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?
DR. PHIL:
The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on "THIS" side of the road before it goes after the problem on the "OTHER SIDE" of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his "CURRENT" problems before adding "NEW" problems.
_______________________________________________________
OPRAH:
Well I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.
__________________________________________________
GEORGE W BUSH:
We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the c hicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.
_____________________________________________
COLIN POWELL:
Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road...
___________________________________________
ANDERSON COOPER - CNN:
We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.
__________________________________________
JOHN KERRY and HILLARY CLINTON:
Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.
__________________________________________
NANCY GRACE - Court TV:
That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.
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PAT BUCHANAN:
To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.
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MARTHA STEWART:
No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.
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DR SEUSS:
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.
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ERNEST HEMINGWAY:
To die in the rain. Alone.
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JERRY FALWELL:
Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side." That's why they call it the "other side." Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side." That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as simple as that.
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GRANDPA:
In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.
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BARBARA WALTERS:
Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life-long dream of crossing the road.
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JOHN LENNON:
Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.
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ARISTOTLE:
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
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BILL GATES:
I have just released eChicken2007, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken. This new platform is much more stable and will never cra...#@&&^( C \ . reboot.
______________________________________________
ALBERT EINSTEIN:
Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?
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BILL CLINTON:
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken?
-----------------------------------------------------------------
AL GORE:
I invented the chicken!
-------------------------------------------------------------------
COLONEL SANDERS:
Did I miss one?
;D
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Post by Galadriel on Feb 2, 2009 8:47:10 GMT
Another funny one from our friend Jurak ;D
Thank You So Much,
I just want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.
I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper towel or have them put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.
I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.
I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.
I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking ones nose (although cell phone usage may be taking the number one spot).
Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.
I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom.
I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.
ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason. I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.
I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.
I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's Novena has granted my every wish.
I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.
I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr.Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans.
I no longer use Saran Wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.
AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face... disfiguring me for life.
I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.
I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.
I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan .
I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.
THANKS TO YOU I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.
AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can't ever pick up $5.00 dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.
I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!
I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the brown recluse and my hand will fall off.
If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m.tomorrow afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician . . .
Oh, by the way..... A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.
Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late. ;D
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Post by Ubereil on Feb 3, 2009 9:17:51 GMT
Übereil
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Post by Galadriel on Feb 3, 2009 21:15:02 GMT
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Post by ss on Feb 3, 2009 22:16:06 GMT
You lovers of the English language might enjoy this There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that is "UP." It's easy to understand UP , meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP ? At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report ? We call UP our friends. And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car At other times the little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses. To be dressed is one thing, but to be dressed UP is special And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP. We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night. We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP ! To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP , look the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions. I f you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP , you may wind UP with a hundred or more. When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP. When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things UP . When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP . One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP , for now my time is UP , so........... it is time to shut UP.....! Oh . one more thing: What is the first thing you do in the morning & the last thing you do at night? U-P
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Post by cleglaw on Feb 3, 2009 22:48:33 GMT
Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing? Why do you park in a driveway and drive on a parkway? In order to fill something out why do you fill it in?
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