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Post by winlok on Aug 29, 2006 23:36:39 GMT
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Post by janggut on Aug 30, 2006 3:01:58 GMT
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Post by Galadriel on Aug 30, 2006 10:37:38 GMT
" From descriptions given by them, the culprit is short and has body odour. "
Yup, that him allright! ;D
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Post by Ubereil on Aug 31, 2006 19:09:22 GMT
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Post by Ubereil on Oct 25, 2006 14:53:58 GMT
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Post by ss on Oct 26, 2006 3:47:26 GMT
Now THAT is really funny Jang.... ;D
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Post by Ubereil on Mar 1, 2007 15:38:55 GMT
Übereil
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Post by ss on Mar 2, 2007 6:03:55 GMT
I found this one very funny.... ;D
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes"
WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2007 models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$90,000"
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing...the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000"
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand if it's really a pretty good price."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"
MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.
He turns and asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
;D ;D
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Post by Ubereil on Mar 2, 2007 12:24:32 GMT
;D Übereil
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Post by janggut on Mar 7, 2007 2:28:44 GMT
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Post by janggut on Mar 7, 2007 2:29:17 GMT
A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.
He replies: "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."
She answers, " My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"
"OK," the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."
The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child," says the nun, "Why are you crying?"
"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."
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Post by Galadriel on Mar 7, 2007 19:40:49 GMT
Eeeeewwww, eeeewww, eeeewww But lol
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Post by janggut on Mar 14, 2007 0:51:45 GMT
some of these are very old. however ........
MARRIAGES
I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste. David Bissonette
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. Sacha Guitry
After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together. Hemant Joshi
By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. Socrates
Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them. Dumas
The great question... Which I have not been able to answer... Is, "What does a woman want? Sigmund Freud
I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me. Anonymous
"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays." Henny Youngman
"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years." Sam Kinison
"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage." James Holt McGavran
"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't." Patrick Murray
Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming 1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it, 2. Whenever you're right, shut up. Nash
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once... Anonymous
You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to. Henny Youngman
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. Rodney Dangerfield
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. Milton Berle
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine." Anonymous
First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
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Post by ss on Mar 14, 2007 1:02:35 GMT
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Post by cleglaw on Mar 14, 2007 3:08:12 GMT
Good one--and a true one.
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Post by Ubereil on Mar 14, 2007 17:10:26 GMT
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Post by killerzzz on Mar 24, 2007 21:57:35 GMT
This would suck. [just a warning, has the f-word] Apparently, it really happened as a prank to the person. Here's the actual site, but it's in mature content filter because it has a dirty word. Killerzzz
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Post by janggut on Mar 25, 2007 13:01:22 GMT
for those in their golden years .....
*********************************************
An elderly gentleman... Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."
The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet ....... I just sit around and listen to the conversations ....... I've changed my will three times!"
*********************************************
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and aftereating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly."
The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?" The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... The one that's red and has thorns." "Do you mean a rose?" "Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, . "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?" ********************************************* Hospital regulations require a wheel chair , for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he Didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him. "I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."
********************************************* A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: "So I hear you're getting married?" "Yep!" "Do I know her?" "Nope!" "This woman, is she good looking?" "Not really." "Is she a good cook?" "Naw, she can't cook too well." "Does she have lots of money?" "Nope! Poor as a church mouse." "Well, then, is she good in bed?" "I don't know." "Why in the world do you want to marry her then?" "Because she can still drive!" ********************************************* Three old guys are out walking. First one says, "Windy, isn't it?" Second one says, "No, it's Thursday!" Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."
********************************************* A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect." "Really," answered the neighbor . "What kind is it?" "Twelve thirty ." ********************************************* Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'" The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful." ********************************************* One more. . .! A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?" "No," he replied, "Arthritis." *********************************************
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Mea Culpa
Chaosite
Paladine Extraordinaire
Posts: 505
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Post by Mea Culpa on Mar 29, 2007 18:31:20 GMT
hmm LOL very funny jokes here ... even found some of mine from the Larian forum
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Post by ss on Mar 30, 2007 22:05:12 GMT
Once there was a boy whose parents named him Odd. Other children used to tease him about his name but he refused to be bothered. As he grew up, people continued to make fun of his moniker--even after he became a successful attorney. Finally, as an old man, he wrote out his last wishes, "I've been the butt of jokes all my life." he said. "I'll not have people making fun of me after I'm gone." He instructed that his tombstone not bear his name.
After his death, people noticed the large blank stone and said, "That's odd."
;D
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