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Post by Dark Phoenix Rising on Nov 5, 2009 16:17:08 GMT
That's the one ![:)](//storage.proboards.com/forum/images/smiley/smiley.png)
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Post by Elliot Kane on Nov 5, 2009 16:17:43 GMT
Mobs...
I think the main advice you both need is 'don't EVER date one person when in love with another'. You end up hurting everyone that way, including yourself. You can't bury love in other relationships, any more than you can bury it with drugs or alcohol. All you can do is pretend and sooner or later that pretence will break like an over-loaded dam.
You are in an incredibly difficult situation anyway, but dating other people will make it worse, not better.
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Post by Flix on Nov 5, 2009 16:26:37 GMT
All you can do is pretend and sooner or later that pretence will break like an over-loaded dam.
Not necessarily. If you act like something is true long enough, you start to believe it. Soon enough, it becomes true. I also argue that forging a relationship with someone else is the BEST way to eradicate feelings for someone else - it doesn't deserve to be compared to drugs (which are just mental painkillers) at all.
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mobbie
Chaosite
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Post by mobbie on Nov 5, 2009 16:27:53 GMT
Mobs... I think the main advice you both need is 'don't EVER date one person when in love with another'. You end up hurting everyone that way, including yourself. You can't bury love in other relationships, any more than you can bury it with drugs or alcohol. All you can do is pretend and sooner or later that pretence will break like an over-loaded dam. You are in an incredibly difficult situation anyway, but dating other people will make it worse, not better. And the situation doesn't get easier by her not having said it to me but me being sure of it and you telling me it will just make it worse... Her point of view, I don't know or suspect any of this. And I won't have to think twice about wether she loves me or not, so if it is indeed as useless as you say, then yes she will get hurt again... But what can I do, I doubt she'll say that she's meeting someone... But I tell you this, if she comes up close with intent to kiss me today... I will confront her and tell her how I feel about it all. It's one thing to let her go because I think (And I still do believe that no matter what the outcome, the experience should be strengthening for her) it's best for her, but it's a complete other to let her come and go ... I will feel very exploited by it and I won't have it, hence if it happens, or is close to happening, I will talk to her, ask her what she is trying to do and what she feels.
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Post by Elliot Kane on Nov 5, 2009 17:32:15 GMT
Mobs - without saying anything of your suspicions to her, you need to encourage her (and yourself) to take up new hobbies and interests. Things you can do away from each other that will allow you to distract from the pain without spreading it around. Some people throw themselves into work, others into study. The important thing is to focus on other areas of your life while your hearts heal.
***
Flix - many an accidental serial monogamist would agree with you. If two people split but they still have feelings for each other, they can build new relationships, sure, but what will those new relationships ultimately be based ON? A desire to escape from current pain? A pretence that they do not love the person they DO love? A heart may not be given twice.
It is certainly possible to build a strong and mutually beneficial relationship without love. But a strong and mutually beneficial relationship where one or more people are in love with someone else? I suspect not.
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Post by Ubereil on Nov 5, 2009 17:40:07 GMT
Flix - many an accidental serial monogamist would agree with you. Do you mean serial polygamists? IE relationship with one person at a time but many relationships in a row? A heart may not be given twice. Sure you can. More than one person has managed to do just that, after all. How it works? This amphetaminelike love I mentioned earlier doesn't stop being possible just because you've been in a comitted relationship once. Übereil
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Post by Elliot Kane on Nov 5, 2009 17:47:11 GMT
No, Ube. Polygamy is more than one person at once, not one person at a time sequentially. Polygamy is having multiple wives/husbands/girlfriends/boyfriends/whatever at the same time.
As for the heart line, I'll rephrase: A heart that is given may not be given again until it is first reclaimed. Better?
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Post by Ubereil on Nov 5, 2009 18:29:50 GMT
No, Ube. Polygamy is more than one person at once, not one person at a time sequentially. Polygamy is having multiple wives/husbands/girlfriends/boyfriends/whatever at the same time. Serial polygamy is many partners in a serie. What you're talking about is parallel polygamy. Damn, I've been doing a lot of hair splitting lately! As for the heart line, I'll rephrase: A heart that is given may not be given again until it is first reclaimed. Better? Better. Still not sure I fully agree, but at least it's not completely messed up. ;D I believe saying it's never sharable is very hard to prove. It doesn't sound completely impossible that a person loves two other persons (let's not mix this up with the "I love both my parents and all my friends at the same time" statement) at the same time. If you can just get past the guilt of not being faithful to your one partner it should be possible. Übereil
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Post by Elliot Kane on Nov 5, 2009 18:33:16 GMT
I'll stick with 'serial monogamy', thanks. That makes more sense ![:P](//storage.proboards.com/forum/images/smiley/tongue.png) It's certainly possible to have a relationship with more than one person at once. More people than I could possibly count throughout history have proven that! But love? I find that extremely unlikely... Love is not the same thing as extreme liking or affection, after all.
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Post by Dark Phoenix Rising on Nov 5, 2009 18:52:01 GMT
EK, I fear that you have fallen into modes of habitual thinking that have been impressed on you by the society you grew up in. As a monogamous relationship is as natural and healthy as a polygamous or poly-amorous relationship. In fact all of them have popped up in societies throughout the ages. It's just that monogamy is currently the flavour of the epoch, and also the most highly publicized by the media and hollywood.
I personally have experimented with poly-amorous relationships and while it's not currently for me, I've met several groups for whom it is very successful, and they are all "bubbly" when they're around each other.
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Post by Elliot Kane on Nov 5, 2009 18:53:25 GMT
DPR, I suspect you are confusing 'in a relationship' with 'in love'. You will notice that I make a definite distinction between the two - and with reason.
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badheroine
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Post by badheroine on Nov 5, 2009 18:56:35 GMT
EK is right on this one..... jumping from a relationship where you love someone, into another to cover your losses is nothing more than bad news..... I know it from personal experience and I am sure others have done it as well...... A phrase that I put to one of my friends is "you don't get under one man to get over another".... obviously the friend is female.....
It can be so damning for your mental health and stability.
Jumping around/bed hopping/ serial relationship mover, phrase it how you will..... it's not worth the aggravation. And whilst I am here, adding insult to injury, You may well begin a new relationship and over time feelings may develop for the new person. However, when it comes down to it and they ask you that burning question, that is always inevitably asked in all relationships, of "What attracted you to me in the first place?" you are stuck in the predicament of blatantly lying and making something up on the spot, or telling them the truth. And once you tell them the truth, obviously being "I needed to get over someone and when I met you I thought you could help me achieve that". or words to that effect, the other person has just had a serious smack in the face and it could be a blow that they won't recover from for a long time and then you lose another relationship.
Either way, it's nothing more than stress and aggravation that is neither required nor desired!
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Post by Elliot Kane on Nov 5, 2009 18:59:43 GMT
^ This is what I have observed in very many people who have tried it, BH. I've never seen it end well, yet. It's only when people pause, take stock, and determine what they really want that the vicious cycle ends...
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Post by Ubereil on Nov 5, 2009 19:11:02 GMT
A phrase that I put to one of my friends is "you don't get under one man to get over another".... obviously the friend is female..... Obviously? Have you heard of gays? ![;)](//storage.proboards.com/forum/images/smiley/wink.png) Übereil
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Post by Dark Phoenix Rising on Nov 5, 2009 19:44:53 GMT
No EK I'm not confusing the 2, the people I know are very much in love
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Post by Elliot Kane on Nov 5, 2009 19:48:07 GMT
You yourself, having tried polygamy, decided it was not for you. Why? What changed your mind, DPR?
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Post by Dark Phoenix Rising on Nov 5, 2009 20:03:29 GMT
I couldn't have tried polygamy due to it's legality. But something came up which one of our partners really couldn't deal with, and because of that (as with many monogamous relationships) we decided to go our separate ways). I'd rather not go into details though. This is why I said it's not currently for me. Not because I'm not willing to give it another go if someone else comes along, but because at the moment I am fulfilled in my current relationship, and I haven't found anyone else.
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Post by Elliot Kane on Nov 5, 2009 20:14:36 GMT
Well, the details are no-one else's business anyway ![:)](//storage.proboards.com/forum/images/smiley/smiley.png) I'd lay odds you'll STAY content in your current relationship, without adding anyone else, were I a betting man...
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Post by Dark Phoenix Rising on Nov 5, 2009 20:18:37 GMT
However if I close my mind to the possibility then I'll slowly stop growing as a person.
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Post by Elliot Kane on Nov 5, 2009 20:19:31 GMT
Or perhaps you'll simply grow in another direction?
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