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Post by fughawzi on Nov 4, 2009 13:36:41 GMT
Ubie! Jeez. Imma smack you.
Mobbie, I'm really sorry that you both got wrapped up in this. It sounds so unpleasant. It doesn't seem like she is even close to being emotionally mature enough for a relationship like you want (And how could she be with her life?) and most likely would have found another reason for it not to work even if you weren't seen as her new brother. As you already know, this is going to be extremely difficult on many levels.. You're never going to win with what you do. She isn't emotionally stable and does actually have mental problems (I know you realize this, but it is easy to forget in the heat of the moment when you're involved with someone). Hopefully you both can find someone outside of the two of you to lean on, separately. Especially if she might start doing harm to herself, she needs to find someone with more experience.
Sorry, that probably sounded rather odd, but I've been close to someone who sounds very similar. This is going to be so stressful on the both of you. Screaming into pillows as loud as you possibly can sometimes does wonders. And long walks. And ranting as much as you wish! I'll be thinking of you two. I know there are people who you are close to on here, but feel free to contact me if you ever need a rant buddy. I'm a good listener!
----------------------------------------- And I have to say this: To me, the moment a relationship becomes habit is the moment I start reevaluating why exactly I'm in it. I see relationships involving constantly challenging each other to grow as people, in whatever way that may be. But habit only really occurs with me when I've been, for instance, stuck in an emotionally abusive relationship for three years with no logical reason for it other than habit.. So habit to me is OH MY GOD, RUN THE HELL AWAY NOW AN ALIEN ZOMBIE IS ABOUT TO EAT YOU AHHHH!
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Post by Ubereil on Nov 4, 2009 14:07:30 GMT
Ubie! Jeez. Imma smack you. What? Übereil
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Post by The Sonar Chicken on Nov 4, 2009 16:25:13 GMT
Mobbie: wow, just wow. :/ I know this sounds really harsh but she seems rather "in the downs". At this time, I would not recommend a romantic relationship for her because she seems so fragile, unsure and even miserable. At this point, she needs strong family love and breathing space to be able to see herself as an individual. For only when she can really see herself for who/what she is at that moment, only when she can understand at least some or if not, much of her feelings... only then can she actually understand, appreciate love and romance and give something in return in a relationship of romance. The path to recovery for part of her wounds will take some time: months or even years. In the meantime, be sure to encourage her to take courses and make decisions that will take her away from society's harsh eyes and labels. What she needs is to be able to create a box for herself, to protect herself and to create a path for herself so that she can have fun living life. And as a victim of abuse myself, I'll like to point out an individual will unlikely to be able to completely forget the terrible things that happened. What they can do, however, is to move on and look to the future and gain the strength to overcome those moments when the memories come back. As for counselling, I wouldn't suggest that unless speaking about her issues wouldn't traumatise her. For both of you, I have this great quote off Twitter: "Never let your memories be greater than your dreams ~ Doug Ivester." Anyways, maybe go and have a food fight with someone, to feel better?
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mobbie
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Post by mobbie on Nov 4, 2009 19:05:42 GMT
Update -
Just 10 minutes ago she was up here again, I was doing laundry (folding..) after having eaten dinner made by her (french fries! with ketchup! niiice xD)
I know you wont like this but... I have these two doors in a corner that opens up to create a little space inbetween, she went there, trapped herself within and laughed some. Then said that I'd never fit in there, I said "no, not with you already there" She "Try it"
... you can see where this is going.
Yes we kissed... No we didn't mean for it to happen.. This time less dramatic afterwards though, I told her that I didn't have to happen, that it's easy to make this mistake and that we can pretend we managed to control ourselves. She went off to her place but not in a rush or emotionally staggered, just calmly we try to leave eachother alone a little.
Not the best work on my part, I was so fooled into that position and I'm not strong enough to hold back when she tries to kiss me... I can't push her away or turn cheek... I can just tell her that it's easy to get carried away, and that we must both try not to. And not to work herself up over this, it's not the end of the world getting carried away once or twice, the important thing is that we try doing what's best and look at the consequences.
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badheroine
Apprentice
Don't let today's disappointments cast a shadow on tomorrow's dreams.
Posts: 250
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Post by badheroine on Nov 4, 2009 19:30:45 GMT
Sugar, you've got no reason to feel bad about it.... it's perfectly normal that you and her will still have these encounters.... after all, right now, despite the whole "break up thing, it's what both of you are used to.
Sadly, you did walk into that one quite blindly but it's no reason to feel "guilty" about it. Unfortunately, she did entice you into a situation that she knew would lead to something more.
I don't want to be the one to dampen the whole situation, but the last thing you need is for her to keep doing this to you. Emotional and mind games are really hard to maintain as well as play and given the situation and it's circumstances, I would advise that neither of you starts them or gets involved in them. It's going to be damaging in the long run.
Sorry to be the harsh one here but you know there is a good reason for me to say it and you know I'm not doing it to be cruel.
hugs to you Sugar xxx
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mobbie
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Post by mobbie on Nov 4, 2009 21:59:10 GMT
No need to explain your words BH, I don't picture it a future habit to go off kissing even though we broke up... We just did, it's a scenario. We learn from what we do wrong.
Good news is we´re tighter than ever, we both emphasize greatly the fact that we can be there for eachother, but even so we don't want to intensify the presence, we want it to be as tho we were by blood... Wishful thinking, but we can't leave eachother coldturkey, it'd truly devastate both our worlds. To have eachother near we can still be happy for what has been and not cry for what won't be..
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Post by janggut on Nov 5, 2009 4:00:04 GMT
took me 10 years to reach the stage u've reached in the span of a few days , mobs. ;D u'll be fine. like what fughawzi said, she's way too young to know what she really wants. she's still at that growing stage. good thing that u're there to help & nurture so that she'll bloom. & it looks like u've got lots of caring sisters here - fughawzi, BH, Sonar Chix.
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Post by LaFille on Nov 5, 2009 4:28:43 GMT
@fille (You know how I love you already <3<3) I think I may not have been clear enough on this but, sex and passion is not the foundation and reason it all is tearing apart. It's the stress put on her by the whole situation. Girl with extremely low selfconfidence who have never had a stable home and have tried to kill herself and successfully hurt herself a lot in different ways, got a pretty banged up schoolrecord for being at carecenters and missing out on semesters.. Add that for some reason, guys are on her all the time, she got hit on by atleast 5 guys that I know off during the time we were together. And what can se do? She can't say she's dating someone because they'd ask who, and she can't say. So she says she's single. People KEEP hitting on her (and you don't wanna picture my envy, even though she didn't want to, she had to answer them and she treasured them as friends so... she had to be nice.) THIS is the biggest stress I think, she CANT feel secure in a relationship when she can't even say she's with someone, having people hit on you when you are already in love... everyday... Of course she'd feel split, and of course the thoughts "it would be better to be with someone I can admit" will be frequent. I love her to death and so does she, even after crying our hearts out she still didn't want to sleep alone tonight... But she does anyway, she figured it's best. I know the time will come when she got a new boyfriend, most likely within a month, and if I find out (I hope I dont) I still won't be able to handle that pain of envy... And that [manually censored] hurts, I dont wanna be a drag who can't let her go, but I know I will have such a hard time dealing with it... Right now I'm just thinking about different ways to (without hurting myself intentionally, I vowed never to do that) put my body in a state where it can't feel such pain. I realize now that I will most likely be pushing my training to the extreme and will wreck myself, as when you are on the border where you can't even stand or breathe normally, you can't feel anything else... It's so sick, very often now I wish that the love was never mutual, that it was just a tragic case of oneway love. That would hurt less. What I meant is that passion is that burning desire to oh so want to be close to each other, always with each other and that of bringing this relationship to the next level now and forever. And sexual attraction (in a general way) is part of the magnetism, something completely normal and that doesn't obey to one's will even if you try to restrain it or make abstraction of it. If she didn't feel that passion and attraction towards you, that she didn't feel the same febrility on your side and that the question of committing to it wasn't on the table, there would not be so much stress. It doesn't need to be complicated or black and white either, and I think you would probably gain at cooling off, taking things day by day, as they come without forcing and worrying too much about tomorrow. Act with her like you would to try to win the trust and endearment of a wild animal, by small progressive steps day by day. She seems to need someone stable, solid and confident right now, so try to become a calm and reliable source of strength and stability that she could draw from instead of an anxious forbidden fruit. And stopping to dramatize about any step she willingly takes to get closer physically, as something eminently important or to be guilty about would be part of that. Edit: awww, love you too.
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Post by janggut on Nov 5, 2009 6:19:09 GMT
the taming of a wolf. ;D
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mobbie
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Post by mobbie on Nov 5, 2009 8:45:06 GMT
I greatly appreciate the caring @jang indeed, it's awesome ^^ but you forgot my ol' fille ? Siblings in art ^_^ @fille Somehow I was so certain those would be your exact words kinda ^_^ I do believe in keeping this an as static and stable relationship as possible, and that progress must go slowly, if at all. Generally- We slept next to eachother again and we slept well, we can control ourselves quite well as long as we don't get real close face to face.
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Post by fughawzi on Nov 5, 2009 9:30:52 GMT
Ubie! Jeez. Imma smack you. What? Übereil The vegan thing! Haha. When I visit you, I promise to be your wing man! --------- You two should slowly wean yourselves off each other, its probably the best bet. Check back in when she is more emotionally and mentally stable.
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Post by twoheadedragon on Nov 5, 2009 14:09:37 GMT
@ Mobbie:
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mobbie
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Post by mobbie on Nov 5, 2009 14:53:00 GMT
I am trying to give her space and time because our love cannot spread it's wings in a situation like this...
I must admit I am feeling a bit bad though, as just last night she kissed me and right now (I'm not 100, but 95%) she's going out with someone. I did think it would hurt more but somehow.. I can see how it can be a good thing. Sure I get envious but I can't have her myself at this state so why would I hog her... I think she needs to meet guys, perhaps this was a bit early but maybe she thinks it will be easier NOT to love me if she found someone else to get affectionate with.
I'm trying to be reailstic, the chances she'll meet someone she'll share true and lasting love is quite low. (I'm happy for that but also sad for her sake, it would be convenient for her to just find a better love) Simply, if she finds someone like that, I'm happy for her and will go eat my heart out with a spoon or smth until the pain goes away, and if she doesn't, I still think she needs this, and possibly she'll grow more confident in herself by, as previously said, find and forge her own identity as a person, not just a name on a paper.
I'm less affected than I thought I would be, and my only explanation would be that I think it's best for her. I love her too much to not want what's best for her.
Even so... A bit down ^^
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Post by Dark Phoenix Rising on Nov 5, 2009 15:28:01 GMT
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Post by Ubereil on Nov 5, 2009 15:47:26 GMT
The vegan thing! Haha. When I visit you, I promise to be your wing man! It IS unnatural! Just look at our teeth. They weren't made for eating veggies only. Doesn't make veganism a bad thing in itself. It's slightly unhealthy (keeping a balanced diet is harder) but so is eating ice cream. Nothing evil about ice cream now is there? ...speaking of witch: Mobbie, go eat some ice cream! It's on me! Übereil
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mobbie
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Post by mobbie on Nov 5, 2009 15:48:45 GMT
DPR Thanks but I don't think I could, nor do I expect it would provide her with the stability she quite desperately needs right now. The ball is still in her corner, she and only she can choose what to do at this point. As bad as it makes me feel when she's with someone else, I could never share her.
This will be tough. Definitely.
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Post by Flix on Nov 5, 2009 15:59:29 GMT
The vegan thing! Haha. When I visit you, I promise to be your wing man! It IS unnatural! Just look at our teeth. They weren't made for eating veggies only. Doesn't make veganism a bad thing in itself. It's slightly unhealthy (keeping a balanced diet is harder) but so is eating ice cream. Nothing evil about ice cream now is there? Übereil They are sharp for cutting and piercing foods that need it, that's all. You think wearing clothes is unnatural, eating cooked food, cutting hair and nails? Our bodies aren't 'made' for any of those things either. Just because are bodies are capable of something doesn't mean that failure to do that is "unnatural." I submit that 'unnatural' is utterly without substance, it's not just a waste of your time to explain, there is nothing to explain, there is nothing behind it that contributes anything except the obvious negative connotation that unnatural= wrong somehow, against "nature" which is the way things "should" be.
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Post by Dark Phoenix Rising on Nov 5, 2009 16:00:16 GMT
I wasn't trying to suggest the life style points, but rather the fact that in a Poly relationship the issues that you are coming across come up fairly often, and so some of the advice they have on those sites may prove helpful to your situation.
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Post by Dark Phoenix Rising on Nov 5, 2009 16:00:56 GMT
It IS unnatural! Just look at our teeth. They weren't made for eating veggies only. Doesn't make veganism a bad thing in itself. It's slightly unhealthy (keeping a balanced diet is harder) but so is eating ice cream. Nothing evil about ice cream now is there? Übereil They are sharp for cutting and piercing foods that need it, that's all. You think wearing clothes is unnatural, eating cooked food, cutting hair and nails? Our bodies aren't 'made' for any of those things either. Just because are bodies are capable of something doesn't mean that failure to do that is "unnatural." I submit that 'unnatural' is utterly without substance, it's not just a waste of your time to explain, there is nothing to explain, there is nothing behind it that contributes anything except the obvious negative connotation that unnatural= wrong somehow, against "nature" which is the way things "should" be. Appendix
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Post by Flix on Nov 5, 2009 16:07:35 GMT
What about it? The theory that it might be a vestigal remnant of an organ that allowed us to digest raw meat easily?
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