Kai Nikulainen's cell phone battery went dead when he was on the toilet on January 28. According to his wife he has not been seen since, and is believed to be trapped inside the toilet. Rescue attempts have proven to be fruitless as the SMS Lock System is programmed to open a toilet door only after the previous user has exited.
Spoken: These are the times that try men's souls. In the course of our nation's history, the people of Boston have rallied bravely whenever the rights of men have been threatened. Today, a new crisis has arisen. The Metropolitan Transit Authority, better known as the M.T.A., is attempting to levy a burdensome tax on the population in the form of a subway fare increase. Citizens, hear me out! This could happen to you!
(Eight bar guitar, banjo introduction)
Well, let me tell you of the story of a man named Charley on a tragic and fateful day. He put ten cents in his pocket, kissed his wife and family, went to ride on the M.T.A.
Chorus: Well, did he ever return? No, he never returned and his fate is still unknown. (What a pity! Poor ole Charlie. Shame and scandal. He may ride forever. Just like Paul Revere.) He may ride forever 'neath the streets of Boston. He's the man who never returned.
Charlie handed in his dime at the Kendall Square Station and he changed for Jamaica Plain. When he got there the conductor told him, "One more nickel." Charlie couldn't get off of that train. (Chorus) Now, all night long Charlie rides through the station, crying, "What will become of me?!! How can I afford to see my sister in Chelsea or my cousin in Roxbury?" (Chorus) Charlie's wife goes down to the Sculley Square Station every day at quarter past two, And through the open window she hands Charlie a sandwich as the train comes rumblin' through. (Chorus) Now, you citizens of Boston, don't you think it's a scandal how the people have to pay and pay? Fight the fare increase! Vote for George O'Brien! Get poor Charlie off the M. T. A. (Chorus) He's the man who never returned. He's the man who never returned. Ain't you Charlie?