The art of cheering pepole up

[Ubereil]

If you spend time talking to pepole you often notice that they're not in a very good mood. Life isn't always very easy, and some pepole seem to have it especially hard coping with what life puts them through (because they're bad at coping or because they're put through too much to cope. Or a combination). Since I started finding ways to communicate with pepole that weren't myself I've noticed something. I can make somewhat happy pepole happier, but when it comes to sad pepole I suck at helping them feel better. In other words, I suck at cheering pepole up. And since I feel trying helping your friends, especially when they're in trouble, is your duty as a friend I feel like having the skill of being able to cheer pepole up is a useful skill. For everyone.

So, what's your tip on cheering pepole up?

Übereil

[rhiian]

i tend to reassure my friends that they dont have to tell me the details just enough so that i can help them. finding something funny usually helps. if its a serious situation laugh at something else but smiles make the world go rounddd

[ss]

Nov 1, 2008 15:56:16 GMT Ubereil said:

So, what's your tip on cheering pepole up?

Übereil

I feel MUCH better when I don't have to talk to Ube....

[janggut]

i have quite a few ideas on this issue. however the best tip i can give is to know the person u're talking to so that u can home in on the issue(s) that concerns that person. let him/her talk as much as he/she wants while u listen as much as he/she needs u to. sometimes, even if the person doesn't say it, listening to him/her does make him/her feel better. at the very least, he/she knows that there is someone who'd listen to them without passing judgement or giving preachy comments.

i'll write some more later on how to help without coming too strong like passing judgement or being preachy.

[LaFille]

Since not everybody needs the same thing to overcome the same situation and that each situation can be solved differently, I think it's really unique for each case... There are situations where listening openly can help, finding paths of solution to what is in case can help a lot too, and in those cases going those ways is probably the best since it's influencing on the cause of what brings them down and it will be easier to cheer them up and bring their attention on other things after. Spontaneously ridiculous (and ridiculously cute) things seem to happen often to make people laugh even when depressed, but they have to be at least a little receptive to it and it has to be in line with their kind of sense of humor. Some people in some cases seem to be cheered up a lot by affection, warmth, indulgence and things that strengthen their self-esteem/ego, too... And little gifts can be little balms. So yeah, knowing the person and what goes on really helps guessing the right way to go. I think that's pretty much the way I take, first, trying to find out what goes on, see if I can be of any use in making things advance with the cause of the person's down or by just listening and being compassionate. Then, if I can't, trying to change the person of scene for something pleasant is an option. Creating a proactive setting that makes us do something else than just talk idly can make things flow better and make the talk less invasive, too; things like cooking, having a drink/snack, walking, even shopping when things aren't too highly emotional. Also, I know that for myself when things get too much there are times where I just need to be alone to cool down or think, so I think that people trying to help or cheer others up can be of too much sometimes, too, and I try to be sensitive to the fact that I could not be up to do anything more productive than leaving room as well. As far as I can see, there always seems to be a part of trial and error and perhaps the best you can do is to try to be open-minded, attentive, adaptive and develop your instinct/empathy for these things.

I hope my rant makes sense; I'm tired and got carried away, lol...

[Alrik]

Small jokes and witty remarks are imho always good. I'm beginning to see humour rather as a kind of philosophy nowadays.

It lets people forget their things for some minutes, and shows them that the life has more to offer than sadness.


Edit: Bad jokes should very much be avoided - imho avoided at all - , and those with a questionable taste. It makes people rather ... feeling bad.

[Ubereil]

Nov 5, 2008 13:20:12 GMT Alrik said:

Edit: Bad jokes should very much be avoided - imho avoided at all - , and those with a questionable taste. It makes people rather ... feeling bad.

So basicly, I shouldn't crack jokes? ;D

Übereil

[LaFille]

Is it their quality or your taste that's in question? ;D

[Ubereil]

I suspect it's both... I'm sure about my taste though.

Übereil

[janggut]

my advice on jokes is; if u're not sure, don't even think about it. in fact, don't even touch jokes unless u know the person well enough to know his/her reaction to u & the kind of joke u want to share.

what Fille suggested is really great as it helps the person to escape temporarily from their worries. this helps as they will see their problems later with fresh new perspective that often helps. again as what Fille said, each person needs different handling, so be prepared for surprises.

all in all, listen with your heart, open your ears & shut your mouth. that, most of the times, helps me to focus on the person totally each time.

a few tips when u listen to someone who opens up to u; avoid at all costs saying things like;

1. i understand (cos u don't, no matter what u think)
2. i know how u feel (same reason as above)

words like those can shut some people up almost immediately as they sound very condescending.

[LaFille]

I couldn't tell about your kind of humor... Apparently humor and being funny are things that can be cultivated, though, like any other social aptitude.

I've found out that sometimes aside from listening, asking questions and offering support/insight/diversion, talking about issues I have myself that meet those of the person I talk with in some way works very well to help open up, give perspective and set things on a better track. Not necessarily in a "been there, done that" kind of way, but more a way to try to relate and create a more equal basis with the person (like, why would I want you to open up to me on your vulnerability without being ready to give you the same kind of consideration), something more of a give-and-take.

[Ubereil]

Damn, I meant I'm not sure about the quality! I tend to laugh about stuff that other pepole seem to think is just too darn depressing to laugh about. And if that's the case then using jokes to cheer pepole up is kind of counterproductive...

Übereil

[Alrik]

I have a rather intuitive way towards people. I can kind of feel it when I can make jokes - and what kind.
But this needs some trime to evolve ... to get the person better, and the "humour taste" of that person, too.

[Hand-E-Food]

Often when I'm talking with depressed people, I talk about an experience and how I dealt with it or what I learned from it. I try to make sure it's mine rather than a friend-of-a-friend. Sometimes they find swomething in the story that gives them something new to consider.

I've found telling them how to act rarely works. I certainly don't like being bossed around like I'm a clueless idiot, and while that may not be their intention, it's hard to feel otherwise when your feeling crap already. If I have advice, I share it as a story of how the advice helped me in the past, like I mentioned above.

When I've been particularly depressed, the best thing to get me out of it is a dose of reality. The usual random happy conversations that I have with others just give me something else to think about. It's by no means a cure, but I don't dwell on the depression so much. Also, trying to deal with depressed people in the past, I've often avoided happy conversations about myself for fear of my happiness being insensitive to their misery. I've found that misery breeds misery. By no means do I ignore their sadness, I just don't let it control the conversation entirely.

Also, being part of a social activity works well. One time when I really stuffed up with a girl-friend, I went over to a friend's place and just hung out there, playing cards and games and stuff. I wasn't avoiding the situation, I was just doing something other than worrying and moping.

These things have made a massive difference to my life and how I've helped those around me. Michelle often asks me to join her girly conversations because she knows I'll be able to offer a lot of good input.

[rockergrl]

Skimming through this and everyone is different, some people don't want jokes i've found when they are upset. They just want someone to listen to them and understand. Let the person know that you care about them and wanna help them in any way that you can.

[Alrik]

Nov 10, 2008 5:15:49 GMT Hand-E-Food said:

When I've been particularly depressed, the best thing to get me out of it is a dose of reality.

Yes, going for a walk most certainly helps, or going by bike. And then, combined with going out to get some food.

This is a combination of some healthy excercise (spelling ?) and something useful : We all need some food sooner or later.

so why not combining both ?

The plus is that anyone can buy something to please herself or himself in the local food shop. Like a good juice drink, or chocolate (all non-alcoholic, of couse ) or other things ...

I think, the good feeling of walking and other physical excercises comes from the body "emitting" Endorphines", which produce a feeling of feeling well, so to say.

[LaFille]

Yeah. That is one of the things that chocolate does too. That is, on the moment; you may need some more exercise endorphine to overcome the visit on the scale after. ;D

[Glance A'Lot]

you may need some more exercise endorphine to overcome the visit on the scale after

I live under the presumption that scales notoriously lie...

(Another option is to change measuring units - 220 lbs = 110 kg = ONLY 16 stone! Hail old English, unknown units! ;D )

[Galadriel]

I've had my share in both cheering up friends and being cheered up by friends. As for me personally, it works when people just listen for a moment, and try to understand you, even if they don't agree. It always feels good if you can share the burden, makes it less heavy for one alone to carry. Later on, usually the joke stuff works for me too. Thanks for that

As for what i do when I'm cheering up someone, I also listen, try to give them advice the best I can and see things from another angle. I try not to take sides, stay neutral so my opinions wont be affected by feelings or friendship. I'm also honest in my opinions, though I avoid hurting someone, it's best to stay honest with them. I know that most of them usually see at the end of a conversation if they went wrong or not. And I ask about that persons condition after a few days as well, makes them feel I really care about them and want to know if they are feeling better.