A few funnies

[SilvaShado]

How to Make a Woman Happy

It's not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to be:

1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes

HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY

1. Show up naked
2. Bring food

~~~~~~~~

I'm not taking you shopping with me again

Mr. and Mrs. Fenton are retired, and Mrs. Fenton
insists her husband go with her to Wal-Mart, but he
gets bored with all the shopping trips.
He prefers to get in and get out, but Mrs. Fenton
loves to browse. Here's a letter sent to Mrs.
Fenton

Dear Mrs. Fenton,

Over the past six months, your husband has been
causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot
tolerate this behavior and may ban both of you from
our stores. We have documented all incidents on our
video surveillance equipment. All complaints against
Mr. Fenton are listed below.

Things Mr. Bill Fenton has done while his spouse was
shopping in Wal-Mart:

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put
them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to
go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor
leading to the restrooms.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in
an official tone, 'Code 3' in house wares..... and
watched what happened.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put
a bag of M&M's on lay away.
6. September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to
a carpeted area.

7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping
department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in
if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.

8. September 23: When a clerk asks if they can help
him, he begins to cry and asks, 'Why can't you people
just leave me alone?'

9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera;
used it as a mirror, and picked his nose.
10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting
department, asked the clerk if he knows where the
anti-depressants are.

11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously
loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

12. December 6: In the auto department, practiced his
"Madonna look" using different size funnels.

13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when
people browse through, yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"
14. December 21: When an announcement came over the
loud speaker, he assumes the fetal position and
screams "NO ! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"

And last, but not least ......

15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the
door, waited awhile, then yelled very
loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"
Regards,
Wal-Mart

[ss]

Fuuuunnnny---but true about the women... ;D

Here are a couple that Peter should like about drinkin

"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk,
we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.
When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all
get drunk and go to heaven!"
~ Brian O'Rourke

----
"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they
wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're
going to feel all day. "
~Frank Sinatra

------
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
~ Henny Youngman
------
Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink
I feel shame ..Then I look into the glass and think
about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes
and dreams .. If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out
of work and their dreams would be shattered.
Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let their
dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
~ Jack Handy
-----
This one was on the Cheers bar scene with Cliff explaining his Buffalo theory to his buddy Norm...

"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first... This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

;D

[janggut]

ahhahahahaha!!!!!!!!

[Venom65437]

That's an oldie but a goodie.

You'll notice all the material, and selfish things girls want from guys with giving nothing in return.

Big surprize.

[Glance A'Lot]

The difference between a psychopath, a psychologue and a psychoanalyst?

The psychopath builds dream castles;
the psychologue lives in them;
the psychoanalyst cashes the rent!

[ss]

A short story:

Man driving down road. Woman driving up same road.
They pass each other.
The woman yells out the window, PIG!
Man yells out window, B I T C H!
Man rounds next curve.
Crashes into a HUGE PIG in middle of road, and dies.

Thought for The Day: If only men would listen....

;D ;D