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Post by cleglaw on Mar 20, 2009 4:38:14 GMT
Four friends have been doing really well in their math class: they have been getting top grades for their homework and on the midterm. So, when it's time for the final, they decide not to study on the weekend before, but to drive to another friend's birthday party in another city - even though the exam is scheduled for Monday morning. As it happens, they drink too much at the party, and on Monday morning, they are all hung over and oversleep. When they finally arrive on campus, the exam is already over. They go to the professor's office and offer him an explanation: "We went to our friend's birthday party, and when we were driving back home very early on Monday morning, we suddenly had a flat tire. We had no spare one, and since we were driving on backroads, it took hours until we got help." The professor nods sympathetically and says: "I see that it was not your fault. I will allow you to make up for the missed exam tomorrow morning." When they arrive early on Tuesday morning, the students are put by the professor in a large lecture hall and are seated so far apart from each other that, even if they tried, they had no chance to cheat. The exam booklets are already in place, and confidently, the students start writing. The first question - five points out of one hundred - is a simple proof, and all four finish it within ten minutes. When the first of them has completed the problem, he turns over the page of the exam booklet and reads on the next one:
Problem 2 (95 points out of 100): Which tire went flat?
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Post by cleglaw on Mar 20, 2009 4:39:49 GMT
A stats professor plans to travel to a conference by plane. When he passes the security check, they discover a bomb in his carry-on-baggage. Of course, he is hauled off immediately for interrogation. "I don't understand it!" the interrogating officer exclaims. "You're an accomplished professional, a caring family man, a pillar of your parish - and now you want to destroy that all by blowing up an airplane!" "Sorry", the professor interrupts him. "I had never intended to blow up the plane." "So, for what reason else did you try to bring a bomb on board?!" "Let me explain. Statistics shows that the probability of a bomb being on an airplane is 1/1,000. That's quite high if you think about it - so high that I wouldn't have any peace of mind on a flight." "And what does this have to do with you bringing a bomb on board of a plane?" "You see, since the probability of one bomb being on my plane is 1/1,000, the chance that there are two bombs is 1/1,000,000. If I already bring one, the chance of another bomb being around is actually 1/1,000,000, and I am much safer..."
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Post by cleglaw on Mar 20, 2009 4:45:29 GMT
Q: Do you already know the latest statistics joke? A: Probably...
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Post by Ubereil on Mar 25, 2009 15:41:13 GMT
That's it, I'm moving to Norway!I don't know if you find how they portray Sweden abroad as funny as I do. That's probably because I know stuff about what they're portraying and know how extremely angled this report is. (And for the record, the Swedish Democrats doesn't represent traditional Christian values, they represent traditional Racist values.) Übereil
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Post by Ubereil on Mar 27, 2009 20:03:37 GMT
How to not write similes:
1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room temperature beef.
5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
7. He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.
8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife’s infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM.
9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t.
10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.
11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you’re on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30 p.m.
12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.
13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan’s teeth.
16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East River.
18. Even in his last years, Grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.
19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
21. The young fire fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
22. He was a lame duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
23. The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.
25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
26. Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any pH cleanser.
27. She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.
28. It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.
Übereil
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Post by cleglaw on Apr 6, 2009 13:56:57 GMT
Don't anthropomorphize computers. They hate that.
A paperless office has about as much chance as a paperless bathroom.
Applying computer technology is simply finding the right wrench to pound in the correct screw.
Artificial Intelligence is the study of how to make real computers act like the ones in movies.
As far as we know, our computer has never had an undetected error.
Computer Science: solving today's problems tomorrow.
Computers follow your orders, not your intentions.
Hardware is the part of a computer system that can be kicked and software is the part that can only be screamed at.
The Internet is proof that a million monkeys with a million typewriters can't write Hamlet.
There's no place like 127.0.0.1
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light.
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Post by The Sonar Chicken on Apr 6, 2009 22:09:46 GMT
Another funny one from our friend Jurak ;D
<snip>
;D That was really funny.
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Post by cleglaw on Apr 8, 2009 9:38:46 GMT
A Greek and Italian were sitting down one day debating who had the superior culture.
The Greek says, "We have the Parthenon."
The Italian says, "We have the Coliseum."
The Greek says, "We had great Mathematicians."
The Italian says, "We had the Roman Empire."
..and so on and so on ...and then the Greek says: "We invented sex."
The Italian says, "That is true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women...
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Post by Galadriel on Apr 16, 2009 23:25:53 GMT
From Jurak
Why Parents Drink.... A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to Dad. With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.
Dear Dad:
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you. I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it's not only the passion. Dad she's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy. In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it. Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.
Love, your son John
PS: Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a report card. That's in my center desk drawer.
I love you. Call me when it's safe to come home.
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Post by Hildor on Apr 17, 2009 6:37:14 GMT
Seen that one before, it's great
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Post by Ubereil on Apr 21, 2009 19:56:08 GMT
Übereil
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Post by Hand-E-Food on Apr 22, 2009 6:35:17 GMT
Why the hell is that so funny?
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Post by ss on Apr 29, 2009 21:20:20 GMT
Shortest Psychiatric Joke.
A man walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing only underwear made of Saran Wrap.
The psychiatrist says, "Well...I can clearly see your nuts."
;D
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Post by Galadriel on Apr 29, 2009 21:36:22 GMT
@ Ubs and SS's jokes
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Post by Ubereil on May 6, 2009 16:49:19 GMT
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Post by Hand-E-Food on May 7, 2009 1:48:55 GMT
I love the ending to that. ;D EDIT: Apparently my keyboard is not 100% fixed...
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Post by Galadriel on Jun 2, 2009 19:26:12 GMT
This is something to think about when negative people are doing their best to rain on your parade.
A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded, " Rome ? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome . How are you getting there?"
"We're taking Continental," was the reply.. "We got a great rate!"
"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. Where are you staying in Rome ?"
"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome 's Tiber River called Teste."
"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it’s gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."
"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people are trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."
A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome .
"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "Not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28 year old steward who waited on me hand and foot.
The hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"
"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope.."
"Actually, we were quite lucky. As we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."
"Oh, really! What'd he say?"
He said, "Who [Censored]ed up your hair?"
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Post by Hand-E-Food on Jun 3, 2009 13:32:14 GMT
Hehehe...
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Post by Ubereil on Jun 5, 2009 6:39:51 GMT
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Post by Hand-E-Food on Jun 5, 2009 14:15:32 GMT
Hehe... the power of media. ;D
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