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Post by Galadriel on Jun 13, 2009 1:11:52 GMT
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Post by Ubereil on Jun 17, 2009 6:45:29 GMT
Interesting how various nations view threats differently.
The British are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats in Islamabad and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to Peeved."
Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." Brits have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out.
Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.
The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide".
The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and Surrender."
The recent rise was precipitated by a fire that last week destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability.
It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert.
Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."
The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs.." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
Americans meanwhile are carrying out pre-emptive strikes, on all of their allies, just in case.
And at a local level...
New Zealand has also raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA!".
Due to continuing defence cutbacks (the airforce being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister's bath),
New Zealand has one more level of escalation, which is "I hope Austrulia will come end riscue us".
In the event of invasion, New Zealanders will be asked to gather together in a strategic defensive position called "Bondi".
Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, mate".
Three more escalation levels remain, "Crikey!', "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The barbie is cancelled".
There has not been a situation yet that has warranted the use of the final escalation level.
Übereil
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Post by kitty on Jun 17, 2009 17:00:34 GMT
^ xD
I´m a very un-funny person but I liked that one Ube ;D
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Post by Hand-E-Food on Jun 17, 2009 22:14:22 GMT
Oooh... They'd better not cancel the barbie!
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Post by Galadriel on Jun 25, 2009 19:55:55 GMT
Again in a mail from Jurak (see it as a sign that he's still alive ;D )
Adds from the 30's, some are soo over the top that you would not believe them
btw, Just so you remember, I wasn't born in the 30's
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Post by Hildor on Jun 26, 2009 9:17:46 GMT
oo burn That list is absolutely great!
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Post by Ubereil on Jun 30, 2009 18:27:17 GMT
Political systems explained through cows:
Pure Capitalism You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
Pure Communism You don't have cows. Your commune has two cows, and everyone shares them. You go home after work every day, content that you live in a classless society.
Pure Democracy You have two cows. Your neighbours decide who gets the milk.
Pure Socialism You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. Everyone works together to take care of all of the cows. The milk is equally distributed among you all.
Communism - Chinese - Mao You have two pigs. The government launches a campaign to convince you to donate them "voluntarily" to provide meat for workers in the city, and then sells them to the capitalist west. The government then declares that people don't need pigs to make pork. Quoting the correct phrases from your little red book, you and your neighbors try to create pork from sheer willpower. Your local party leader reports that you have exceeded all expectations, despite very limited success. You and your neighbors starve.
Capitalism - Republican 2 You have two cows. You give one cow to a lobbyist who gives the cow to a Congressman in exchange for lowering the cow tax. Now you have one cow and a Congressman. You fail to tell them apart.
Capitalism - Republican 3 The poor should give their cows to the rich so that the milk will trickle back down to the poor.
American Taxes Part I You have two cows. The government has borrowed thousands upon thousands of cows from other countries and slaughtered them all, and confiscates one of yours. Rather than logically returning a cow to another country, they send it off to another country so that the terrorist cells there can use it to trade for guns.
Anarcho-communism The cows are owned by everyone in general and nobody in particular. They are milked by anyone who wishes to do so. Their teats hurt.
British Democracy You have two cows. You feed them sheep’s brains and they go mad. The government doesn't do anything.
British Democracy 2 You have two cows. One of your cows has a small foot infection. The government orders you to burn both cows. All the cows in the surrounding area are also burned, roads and footpaths are closed and the media throws the country into a panic. You decide to protest about not being allowed to hunt foxes on public roadways.
Bureaucracy You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other dry and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.
American Taxes Part II You have one cow. The government finds out that terrorists they recently donated a cow to have traded it in for weapons, and confiscate your remaining cow to provide milk to soldiers for a ten-year war effort to eliminate the terrorist threat. You, having no cows, have done your patriotic duty, and are now in poverty.
Übereil
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Post by The Sonar Chicken on Jul 9, 2009 13:26:46 GMT
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Post by The Sonar Chicken on Jul 9, 2009 20:59:21 GMT
When I was a young minister, a funeral director asked me to hold a grave side service for a homeless man with no family or friends. The funeral was to be at a cemetery way out in the country. This was a new cemetery and this man was the first to be laid to rest there.
I was not familiar with the area and became lost. Being a typical man, of course, I did not ask for directions. I finally found the cemetery about an hour late. The back hoe was there and the crew was eating their lunch. The hearse was nowhere to be seen.
I apologized to the workers for being late. As I looked into the open grave, I saw the vault lid already in place. I told the workers I would not keep them long, but that this was the proper thing to do. The workers, still eating their lunch, gathered around the opening.
I was young and enthusiastic and poured out my heart and soul as I preached. The workers joined in with, "Praise the Lord," "Amen," and "Glory!" I got so into the service that I preached and preached and preached, from Genesis to The Revelation.
When the service was over, I said a prayer and walked to my car. As I opened the door, I heard one of the workers say, "I never saw anything like that before and I've been putting in septic systems for twenty years."
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Sign behind an Amish carriage:
"Energy efficient vehicle. Runs on grass and oats.
CAUTION: Avoid exhaust!"
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Bedside Manners Good Clean Jokes
Susie's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months. Things looked grim, but she was by his bedside every single day. One day as he slipped back into consciousness, he motioned for her to come close to him. She pulled the chair close to the bed and leaned her ear close to be able to hear him.
"You know" he whispered, his eyes filling with tears, "you have been with me through all the bad times. When I got fired, you stuck right beside me. When my business went under, there you were. When we lost the house, you were there. When I got shot, you stuck with me. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. "And you know what?"
"What, dear?" she asked gently, smiling to herself.
"I think you're bad luck."
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Doggone Brilliant Joke
A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet dachshund along for company. One day, the dachshund starts chasing butterflies and before long the dachshund discovers that he is lost.
So, wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having him for lunch. The dachshund thinks, "OK, I'm in deep trouble now!" Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dachshund exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here." Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. "Whew," says the leopard. "That was close. That dachshund nearly had me." Meanwhile, a monkey, who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes.
But the dachshund saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up.
The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine." Now the dachshund sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet ... and, just when they get close enough to hear, the dachshund says..................
"Where's that darn monkey? Sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard."
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Post by The Sonar Chicken on Jul 10, 2009 9:44:54 GMT
Marketing Speak Running from the Law Funniest Jokes
Tipper Gore discovered that her husband's great great uncle, Gunther Gore, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Tennessee in 1889.
The only existing photograph shows him standing on the gallows. On the back of the picture is this inscription: "Gunther Gore; horse thief. Sent to Tennessee Prison 1883, escaped 1887. Robbed the Tennessee Flyer six times. Caught by Pinkerton detectives, convicted and hanged in 1889."
After letting President Clinton's large staff of professional image consultants review this discovery, they took the following actions to assist Al's campaign to become our next president. They decided to crop Gunther's picture, scan it in as an enlarged image, and edited it with image processing software so that all that is seen in the final picture is a head shot. Along with this enhanced photo, the accompanying biographical sketch was sent to the Associated Press:
"Gunther Gore was a famous cattleman in early Tennessee history. His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and intimate dealings with the Tennessee railroad company. Beginning in 1883, he devoted several years of his life to service at a government facility, finally taking leave to resume his business enterprise with the railroad. In 1887 he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency. In 1889 Gunther regrettably died suddenly during an important civic function held in his honor when the platform on which he was standing collapsed."
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Post by twoheadedragon on Jul 10, 2009 10:30:10 GMT
Nice ones Sonar Chicken! Here's something for you, and it doubles as an answer to Ube's cows Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road? Prominent people were asked the age-old question. Here are their answers: The Bible: And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken: “Thou shalt cross the road.” And the chicken crossed the road, and God saw that it was good. Freud: The fact that you thought that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity. Darwin: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically dispositioned to cross roads. Darwin#2: It was the logical next step after coming down from the trees. Richard M. Nixon: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did not cross the road. Oliver Stone: The question is not “Why did the chicken cross the road?” but rather “Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?” The Pope: That is only for God to know. Martin Luther King Jr.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question. An old Grandfather: In my day, we didn’t ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken had crossed the road, and that was good enough for us. Bill Gates: I have just released the new Chicken 2000, which will both cross roads AND balance your checkbook, although when it divides 3 by 2 it gets 1.4999999999. George Orwell: Because the government had fooled him into thinking that he was crossing the road of his own free will, when he was really only serving their interests. Colonel Sanders: I missed one? Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken depends upon your frame of reference. Buddha: If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken nature. Joseph Stalin: I don’t care. Catch it. I need its eggs to make my omelet. Dr. Seuss: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with the toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I’ve not been told! O.J. Simpson: It didn’t. I was playing golf with it at the time.
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Post by The Sonar Chicken on Jul 10, 2009 11:33:05 GMT
@dragon: And that's why chickens rule the world!
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Post by twoheadedragon on Jul 11, 2009 6:57:48 GMT
My personal favorites: 3rd favorite, Freud; 2nd favorite, Martin Luther King Jr.; favorite, Colonel Sanders.
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Post by kilgoretrout on Jul 20, 2009 0:25:45 GMT
I was in a donut shop recently, I think many of the people there were racists, they were placing donut orders and out of nowhere several proclaimed , White Power!! chocolate glaze, jelly filled,. I get the donut order and all but whats with the white power stuff...? geez..
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Post by Ubereil on Jul 23, 2009 19:56:25 GMT
Übereil
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Post by Hand-E-Food on Jul 23, 2009 23:17:31 GMT
Funny stuff!
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Post by Hand-E-Food on Jul 23, 2009 23:18:05 GMT
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Post by Hildor on Jul 24, 2009 7:03:58 GMT
Best option is to run...or ride away then ;D
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Post by Galadriel on Jul 25, 2009 15:05:28 GMT
It looks like the day after the Gentse Feesten now ;D
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Post by Alrik on Aug 13, 2009 13:03:27 GMT
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