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Post by Galadriel on Jan 29, 2007 11:33:14 GMT
Blonde paint job A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari." ;D
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Post by Galadriel on Jan 29, 2007 11:36:36 GMT
The Cliff And The Blondes. A smart blonde and a dumb blonde both jump off a cliff at the same time. Who lands first?
The dumb blonde because smart blondes don't exist.
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Post by Galadriel on Jan 29, 2007 11:37:20 GMT
You've got mail, the Blonde version A blonde keeps walking down her drive to her mail box.
She keeps doing this until her neighbour asks her why she is doing that.
The blonde replies "My computer keeps telling me that i've got mail".
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Post by Galadriel on Jan 29, 2007 11:39:37 GMT
jumping blonde A blonde, brunette and a redhead run to the top of a burning building. Below, a few firefighters are holding a blanket telling the redhead to jump.
When the redhead jumps the firefighters snatch the blanket away and she hits the concrete.
When the firefighters ask the brunette to jump she jumps and again they pull the blanket away.
When the firefighters ask the blonde to jump she replies, "I don't trust you, so just put the blanket down and back away."
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Post by Galadriel on Jan 29, 2007 11:43:00 GMT
I knew a blonde that was so stupid that.......
* she called me to get my phone number.
* she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said "concentrate."
* she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.
*she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
*she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
*she tried to drown a fish.
*she thought a quarterback was a refund.
*she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.
*she tripped over a cordless phone.
*she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
*she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.
*she studied for a blood test.
*she thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
*when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
*when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.
*when she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left" she turned around and went home
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Post by Galadriel on Jan 29, 2007 11:44:11 GMT
Blonde Shoots Herself A blonde hurries into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off.
"How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor asked her.
Well, I was trying to commit suicide, the blonde replied.
"What?" sputtered the doctor. "You tried to commit suicide by shooting your finger off?"
"No, Silly!" the blonde said. "First I put the gun to my chest, and I thought: I just paid $6,000.00 for these breast implants, I'm not shooting myself in the chest."
"And then?" asked the doctor.
"Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought: I just paid $3000.00 to get my teeth straightened, I'm not shooting myself in the mouth."
"And then?"
"Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger."
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Post by killerzzz on Jan 29, 2007 16:16:14 GMT
Hahaha! Nice ones! I don't know if I've shared this one at Larian before... ............................................................. A blond walks into a store, looks around and eventually goes to the employee when she finds what she wants. She says: "I'd like this TV. How much does it cost?" He looks at her and replies: "I'm sorry, Miss, but we don't serve blonds." "Why not?" "Thats the rules." Furious, she leaves the store. She wants that TV, so she puts on a brown wig, different clothes, a hat and sunglasses. Then she goes back. The same employee is there so she goes back up to him. She says: "Excuse me, Sir, but how much would it cost to buy that TV?" He replies: "I'm sorry, Miss, but we don't serve blonds." "How did you know it was me? Did you see under the wig?" "Sure." She stomps off again. This time she dies her hair black, and puts on a bunch of makeup and all sorts of things to make herself look different. She couldn't even recognise herself in the mirror when she was done. She goes back again. She says: "How much for this TV?" He replies: "Miss, I'm sorry, but we just don't serve blonds." "I can't believe it! How do you know its me each time?" "Well, first of all, this is a microwave." I haven't heard it for a while, so I had to make my own little version of the joke. Killerzzz
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Post by Galadriel on Jan 29, 2007 19:32:37 GMT
Very nice one Killerzzz ;D
Did you hear about the blonde that... Couldn't learn to water ski because she couldn't find a lake with a slope.
Got excited because she finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said "2 to 4 years"
Couldn't call 911 because there was no 11 on any phone button.
When asked what the capital of California was; answered "C".
Baked a turkey for 3 days because the instructions said 1 hour per pound and she weighed 125.
After losing in a breaststroke swimming competition, complained that the other swimmers were using their arms.
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Post by Galadriel on Jan 29, 2007 19:33:23 GMT
Drivers Licence A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys could get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you."
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Post by ss on Mar 13, 2007 20:48:02 GMT
Blonde Gambler
An attractive blonde from Dublin arrived at the casino and bet £20,000.00 on a single roll of the dice.
She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude".
With that, she stripped off, rolled the dice and yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed..."YES! YES! I WON, I WON!"
She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"
The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."
MORAL OF THE STORY -
Not all Irish are stupid and not all blondes are dumb; but all men are men
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Post by Elliot Kane on Mar 13, 2007 21:39:12 GMT
I so know this one to be true...
Sigh! **Heartbreak**
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Post by ss on Mar 14, 2007 1:06:23 GMT
A young blonde was on vacation and driving through > > the Everglades. She > > wanted to take home a pair of genuine alligator > > shoes in the worst way, > > but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the > > local vendors were > > asking. > > > > After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle > > on prices" attitude > > of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Well > > then, maybe I'll > > just go out and catch my own alligator, so I can get > > a pair of shoes for > > free!" > > > > The shopkeeper said with a sly, knowing smile, > > "Little lady, just go and > > give it a try!" > > > > The blonde headed out toward the swamps, determined > > to catch an > > alligator. > > > > Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, > > he pulls over to > > the side of the levee, where he spots that same > > young woman standing > > waist deep in the murky bayou water, shotgun in > > hand. > > > > Just then, he spots a huge 9 foot gator swimming > > rapidly toward her. > > > > With lightning speed, she takes aim, kills the > > creature and hauls it > > onto the slimy bank of the swamp. > > > > Lying nearby were seven more of the dead creatures, > > all lying on their > > backs. > > > > The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent > > amazement. > > > > The blonde struggled and flipped the gator onto its > > back. Rolling her > > eyes heavenward and screaming in great frustration, > > she shouts out: > > CRAP! THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO!"
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Post by Galadriel on Mar 16, 2007 20:33:18 GMT
Lol!! I'm glad you guys found this thread at last! I was thinking of placing signs at the corners and all... ;D
Why do blondes wear earmuffs?
To avoid the draft. ;D -------------------------------------------------------------- How does a blond turn on the light after sex?
She opens the car door.
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mobbie
Chaosite
Lalala
Posts: 906
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Post by mobbie on Mar 18, 2007 0:51:55 GMT
Hahahaha Funny ones, especially the casino joke was nice ;D
Keep posting
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Post by ss on Apr 15, 2007 4:54:26 GMT
A blonde was driving home after a game and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He told her to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out. So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened. So she blew a little harder, and still nothing happened. Her blonde roommate saw her and asked, "What are you doing?" The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out. The roommate rolled her eyes and said, "Duh, like... HELLO! You need to roll up the windows first.
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Post by ss on Apr 15, 2007 4:56:03 GMT
A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss asked sympathetically, "What's the matter ?" The blonde replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away." The boss, feeling sorry for her, says, "Why don't you go home for the day? Take the day off to relax and rest." "Thanks, but I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have a better chance of doing that here." The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work usual. A couple of hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out from his office and sees the blonde crying hysterically. "What's so bad now? Are you gonna be okay?" he asks. "No!" exclaims the blonde. "I just received a horrible call from my sister. Her mother died, too."
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Post by ss on Apr 15, 2007 4:57:13 GMT
A blonde was shopping at Target and came across a shiny silver thermos. She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and took it to the clerk to ask what it was. The clerk said, "Why, that's a thermos....it keeps hot things hot, and cold things cold." "Wow," said the blonde, "that's amazing.! ...I'm going to buy it!!" So she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day. Her boss saw it on her desk. "What's that," he asked? "Why, that's a thermos.....it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold," she replied. Her boss inquired, "What do you have in it?" The blond replied........"Two popsicles and some coffee."
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Post by Galadriel on Apr 16, 2007 10:05:20 GMT
LOL ss, you're on the roll now! Keep them coming boy! ;D
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Mea Culpa
Chaosite
Paladine Extraordinaire
Posts: 505
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Post by Mea Culpa on May 7, 2007 18:33:36 GMT
Hmmm I seem to recall this oldie from way back when The blonde and the jumperJack walked into a sports bar at 9.58 p.m. He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV. The 10.00 p.m. news came on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump. The blonde looked at Jack and said, “Do you think he’ll jump?” Jack said, “You know, I bet he will.” The blonde replied, “Well, I bet he won’t.” Jack placed $30 on the bar and said, “You’re on!” Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the man leapt off the ledge and fell to his death. The blonde was very upset and handed her $30 to Jack, saying, “Fair’s fair. Here’s your money.” Jack replied, “I can’t take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o’clock news and knew he would jump.” The blonde replied, “I did too—but I didn’t think he’d do it again.” Jack took the money
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Post by Galadriel on May 8, 2007 13:03:30 GMT
Looool!! ;D
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