mobbie
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Lalala
Posts: 906
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Post by mobbie on Nov 2, 2009 14:01:52 GMT
@heroine- All you said of course has been played over and over in my mind, I should let her be and not swarm her with how I love her. There are still 100 things I haven't said here so believe me when I say, she has been broken and shattered before, I dont wanna cause something like that. I love her with all my heart but one step too far and it triggers emotions so strong that she could actually hurt herself. She has tried to kill herself before, I won't go into it on detail, but this whole situation is so delicate, I don't want to make her feel out of place in any way. We still sleep together, in the same bed, couch or whatever we fall asleep on. We usually watch movies and then just fall asleep. I want to be there for her but the pain of knowing she wants us to break up right now, and yet she comes to me.. It's so hard to lie there and do nothing.
It took me 2 hours just to fall asleep last night, because I felt so lost.
I will try to do nothing, but fear of her thinking I don't love her and go for someone else... I couldn't deal with envy aswell emotionally right now.
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Post by Dark Phoenix Rising on Nov 2, 2009 14:25:04 GMT
Have you considered the old fashioned approach of courting her? (which includes some of what you posted in your last post).
I think what she's afraid of atm is the labels, and all that those labels imply in modern society. In our society I truly think that we have almost lost relationship love in the flood of chickflicks, romantic novels, media, and general life. Where love has been painted as something that is sudden, fast, exilerating, spontainious, and can be compressed down into 1.5 hours, or that love is hard, painful, and doesn't last.
I would imagine that she has seen some of the worst of this, with broken homes, and bad boyfriends (can't say what I want to say about that subject without getting the thread locked).
Enduring, relationship love, or whatever you would like to call it, is very giving, patient, and caring. It's the love that you share while cooking together, laughing together, crying together. Holding her when she's going through another flash back. Feeling safe when things are bad, etc. And it sounds like what you have.
Don't try to "make her see", but it may be nice/useful to occasionally point out (gently, and when she feels safe) that these are the moments that you really love about being with her.
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mobbie
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Post by mobbie on Nov 2, 2009 15:07:11 GMT
Have you considered the old fashioned approach of courting her? (which includes some of what you posted in your last post). I think what she's afraid of atm is the labels, and all that those labels imply in modern society. In our society I truly think that we have almost lost relationship love in the flood of chickflicks, romantic novels, media, and general life. Where love has been painted as something that is sudden, fast, exilerating, spontainious, and can be compressed down into 1.5 hours, or that love is hard, painful, and doesn't last. I would imagine that she has seen some of the worst of this, with broken homes, and bad boyfriends (can't say what I want to say about that subject without getting the thread locked). Enduring, relationship love, or whatever you would like to call it, is very giving, patient, and caring. It's the love that you share while cooking together, laughing together, crying together. Holding her when she's going through another flash back. Feeling safe when things are bad, etc. And it sounds like what you have. Don't try to "make her see", but it may be nice/useful to occasionally point out (gently, and when she feels safe) that these are the moments that you really love about being with her. Very touching concern DPR, and particularly "It's the love that you share while cooking together, laughing together, crying together. Holding her when she's going through another flash back. Feeling safe when things are bad, etc. And it sounds like what you have." is absolutely pinpoint... Done all that... Holding her when she is having a panic attack and saying everything will be okey and that I'm there and won't leave her.... It was one of the most touching moments... She is VERY locked up and don't let me in on a lot of things, she doesn't wanna expose all the sad things in her life to anyone. Not even to me. But I am there for her when she wants it.. @general- She just got home... We sat silently for 10 minutes (I told her via txt msgs how I felt.. Still felt. Even though we said it should end..) And just hugged. Felt eachothers comfort, both of us. Tripping over eachother's faces with curious fingers... Eyebrows.. Nose.. Lips.. Chin.. Then back to just hugging closely. It was a serene moment. Now applepie is waiting so.. see you
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Post by Dark Phoenix Rising on Nov 2, 2009 15:21:29 GMT
That's cos I've been there, and am still there with my current relationship. I hope things go well for you, and remember that trust is very important (possibly the most important thing in a relationship).
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Post by Ubereil on Nov 2, 2009 15:41:58 GMT
These are real fears that need addressing. And the only answer is constancy. If she's a 'for life' kind of girl, show her that. Prove it over time. Make it clear you see this as forever and she will have no more reason to hesitate. Well, Mobbie's 20 and she's 15. It's about ten years too early to start looking at "forever"... Übereil
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Post by Elliot Kane on Nov 2, 2009 15:48:54 GMT
These are real fears that need addressing. And the only answer is constancy. If she's a 'for life' kind of girl, show her that. Prove it over time. Make it clear you see this as forever and she will have no more reason to hesitate. Well, Mobbie's 20 and she's 15. It's about ten years too early to start looking at "forever"... Übereil If Mobs takes that view, he should walk away now, before he destroys her. But I bet he doesn't, 'Forever' knows nothing of age - it recognises only suitability. You can find The One at any age.
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mobbie
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Post by mobbie on Nov 2, 2009 15:52:50 GMT
Well, Mobbie's 20 and she's 15. It's about ten years too early to start looking at "forever"... Übereil If Mobs takes that view, he should walk away now, before he destroys her. But I bet he doesn't, 'Forever' knows nothing of age - it recognises only suitability. You can find The One at any age. I can and do picture myself spending my time with her, forever.. While ubs is true that it's not normal, elly is also right, I have a friend who is still dating a girl he decided when he was 12 years that he wanted to marry... they are now 22 respective 21 and their love is blooming. That is the most dedicated love I saw yet.. ^^
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Post by Ubereil on Nov 2, 2009 15:55:10 GMT
@ Ube - Just wondering, why does it have to be someone your own age? I don't know. I'm not even sure what I mean by "girls my own age" to be honest. You're the second person to point that out though, so I guess I find it important for some reason. I think it's some idea of maturity level and where you are in life or something like that. All I know is that if she's below 10 or above 80 then she's too young/old. What my limits are in between that is kind of blurry though. And if I am completely honest, stop looking for love.... let it find you.... and it really does happen. I'm not looking for love. I'm looking for situations where love can find me. Because I'm basically never in such situations. As I usually say, I've been waiting for seven years but no women have jumpted out of the drawers from underneath my bed yet. 'Forever' knows nothing of age - it recognises only suitability. You can find The One at any age. When you're 15 you can't really know what you'll want when you're 30. Or 45. So talking about "forever" when you're 15 does more harm than good. Not saying anyone should see this as purely a short term thing. But don't expect it to last forever either. She's not ready to make decisions about what she wants for the rest of her life yet. Übereil
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Post by Elliot Kane on Nov 2, 2009 16:04:24 GMT
When you fall in love, Ube, you will understand. There's really no way for anyone to understand else.
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Post by Dark Phoenix Rising on Nov 2, 2009 16:20:45 GMT
Ube, the only time a relationship fails to last forever is when one (or more) part of what made it successful in the first place disappear, and the people in the relationship don't look to find something else to fill that void.
And Ube, try just getting out and being in places that people socialise (as mentioned before - Pub, Bar, club as long as it's not too noisy), and after you get used to seeing various people there, (and conversly they've got to see you), start socialising. It doesn't have to be with girls straight away (they can smell desperation a mile off), but join in, find people you like to talk to/play pool with/etc. Then let the situation take you where it will (before I met my wife, I had started reading at a local pub, then chatting to a couple of the regulars, and then joined in the karroke and quiz evenings)
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Post by Elliot Kane on Nov 2, 2009 16:25:28 GMT
People grow and change over time. Sometimes they grow in different directions and hence 'apart' but they can also grow together. Successful couples do.
Taylor Swift wrote a song about her grandparents who grew up together, fell in love as soon as they were old enough and... Well, you get the idea. They're still married and her grandparents. It's rare, but it happens.
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Post by Ubereil on Nov 2, 2009 16:39:14 GMT
Elliot, the divorce rate in the west is above 50 %, and that's only marriages. Scientists have done research on love, and they discovered a substance that's pretty close to amphetamine that starts being active in pepole when they fall in love.
The production of that substance stops five years into the relationship at the latest. That is when the real challenge starts. That is (to bring in DPR's reasoning) when the thing that used to make the relationship work from the start disappears and you have to find something else. Not always, but mostly. Usually because most pepole don't think about stuff like this, I think. But anyway...
I might never have fallen in love (...nor have I tried amphetamine), but I've been 15. There's plenty of stuff I know about myself and what I want now that I didn't know when I was 15. And I'm only halfway in between 15 and 30.
You can't know, but it's not at all unlikely that she'll come out of the drug haze in five years and realize that she doesn't acually want to spend forever with Mobbie. He's not the kind of guy she wants. Maybe they're not meant for eachother (whatever that acually means anyway) after all.
Übereil
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Post by Elliot Kane on Nov 2, 2009 16:50:18 GMT
You know WHY the divorce rate keeps soaring, Ube? Because people build up all the wrong habits before they get married, so that once that initial reaction you speak of wears off they default back to seeing monogamy as unnatural and relationships as infinitely replaceable.
If you go in with the idea that failure is one of those things, you will fail. If you go in thinking failure is unthinkable, it likely will be.
Sure, there are always exceptions to every rule. But when the cookie crumbles, most of the time that's why.
There are no perfect beings. Expect to have to work at it - and work really hard sometimes - or you WILL fail! That much, I suspect we would agree on...
(As an interesting aside, Jon Bon Jovi is still married to his childhood sweetheart. Just remembered as his new album came on my player ;D)
(Second aside: the partner breakup rate is above 50%. That includes co-habitees. The marriage breakup rate is around 1/3, IIRC. At least in Britain)
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Post by Dark Phoenix Rising on Nov 2, 2009 16:52:31 GMT
However if you use that 5 years to build a relationship, rather than coasting along enjoying your relationship, you probably won't even notice the change over.
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Post by Elliot Kane on Nov 2, 2009 16:54:21 GMT
However if you use that 5 years to build a relationship, rather than coasting along enjoying your relationship, you probably won't even notice the change over. Because habit will work in your favour, yes
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Post by Dark Phoenix Rising on Nov 2, 2009 17:04:19 GMT
I was actually thinking that it's because building a relationship is a lifetime achievement that takes place over a lifetime, and is only complete when it's no longer possible for the relationship to continue due to circumstances outside of human control.
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Post by Elliot Kane on Nov 2, 2009 17:06:17 GMT
Oh, it's that too. But that's the 'what' not the 'how'.
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Post by Elliot Kane on Nov 2, 2009 17:13:13 GMT
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Post by Dark Phoenix Rising on Nov 2, 2009 17:21:11 GMT
Actually, no I don't mean that at all (unless the examining of junctions is an inertia thing), as in a relationship, if you don't stop and talk, examine, argue, makeup, and generally look after the relationship, it will run out of straight road (possibly over a cliff).
People in a relationship may get to a point where they know how to sort out problems, but they can't just coast along becoming more comfortable with how the relationship is working. As you've said before - people change. If the relationship doesn't change with the people then it will be discarded (often quite painfully)
We should probably take this to a humanology thread rather than wrecking this one for mobbie.
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Post by Ubereil on Nov 2, 2009 17:23:53 GMT
You know WHY the divorce rate keeps soaring, Ube? Because people build up all the wrong habits before they get married, so that once that initial reaction you speak of wears off they default back to seeing monogamy as unnatural and relationships as infinitely replaceable. I don't believe that many pepole see monogamy as unnatural. And I don't believe that's the issue. I believe the problem is that pepole have an unrealistic view on love. They believe that initial fantastic feeling will last forever and make the marriage work in itself. So when that feeling leaves they figure they made a mistake, that this girl/boy wasn't the one after all. Besides, monogamy IS unnatural to us! ;D Polygamy, serial or paralell is what's natural to us. Not that "natural" matters that much. There are no perfect beings. Expect to have to work at it - and work really hard sometimes - or you WILL fail! That much, I suspect we would agree on... If you want that kind of relationship then yes, you have to work on it. And that's after you've found a spouse who's good enough for you. (Second aside: the partner breakup rate is above 50%. That includes co-habitees. The marriage breakup rate is around 1/3, IIRC. At least in Britain) In Sweden it's 54 %. Of the marriages. However if you use that 5 years to build a relationship, rather than coasting along enjoying your relationship, you probably won't even notice the change over. I believe that to be true. Assuming there's not some fatal personality clash between you that you didn't "notice" during those five years. Not the result of it but it sure influences the outcome. A lot. Übereil
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