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Post by Alrik on Jul 11, 2006 20:10:55 GMT
Political satire (beware : probably offensive !) : Bush Pilot |
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Post by Ubereil on Jul 13, 2006 13:57:14 GMT
NTL Complaint Letter An allegedly real-life customer complaint letter sent to the NTL complaints dept.... Dear Cretins I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for your 3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, and telephone. During this three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service which I had not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity of monolithic proportions. Please allow me to provide specific details, so that you can either pursue your professional prerogative, and seek to rectify these difficulties - or more likely (I suspect) so that you can have some entertaining reading material as you while away the working day smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office: My initial installation was cancelled without warning or notice, resulting in my spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting for your technician to arrive. When he did not arrive at all, I spent a further 57 minutes listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful website.... how? I alleviated the boredom to some small degree by playing with my testicles for a few minutes - an activity at which you are no-doubt both familiar and highly adept. The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later, although the technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools - such as a drill-bit, and his cerebrum. Two weeks later, my cable modem had still not arrived. After several further telephone calls (actually 15 telephone calls over 4 weeks) my modem arrived ... a total of six weeks after I had requested it, and begun to pay for it. I estimate that the downtime of your internet servers is roughly 35%...these are usually the hours between about 6pm and midnight, Monday to Friday, and most of the useful periods over the weekend. I am still waiting for my telephone connection. I have made 9 telephone calls on my mobile to your no-help line this week, and have been unhelpfully transferred to a variety of disinterested individuals, who are it seems also highly skilled bollock jugglers. I have been informed that a telephone line is available (and someone will call me back); that no telephone line is available (and someone will call me back); that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been cut off); that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been redirected to an answer machine informing me that your office is closed); that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been redirected to the irritating Scottish robot woman...and several other variations on this theme. Doubtless you are no-longer reading this letter, as you have at least a thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another one of those crucially important testicle-moments to attend to. Frankly I don't care, it's far more satisfying as a customer to voice my frustrations in print than to shout them at your unending hold music. Forgive me, therefore, if I continue. I thought BT were crap, that they had attained the holy piss-pot of god-awful customer relations, that no-one, anywhere, ever, could be more disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering service to their customers. That's why I chose NTL, and because, well, there isn't anyone else is there? How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered to my considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless shower of bastards you truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of distended rectum - incompetents of the highest order. British Telecom - wankers though they are - shine like brilliant beacons of success, in the filthy puss-filled mire of your seemingly limitless inadequacy. Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and foolhardy quest to receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that you do likewise, and cease any potential future attempts to extort payment from me for the services which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to deliver - any such activity will be greeted initially with hilarity and disbelief - although these feelings will quickly be replaced by derision, and even perhaps a small measure of bemused rage. I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my cats litter tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for both you and your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not become desiccated during transit - they were satisfyingly moist at the time of posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did not experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider them the very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and it's worthless employees. Have a nice day - may it be the last in you miserable short life, you irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of[Censored]s. Übereil (no, I didn't write that letter  ) |
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Post by Ubereil on Jul 14, 2006 20:39:32 GMT
don't miss the handy hint at the very end.
Some bloke bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old
fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying "Free
to good home. You want it, you take it" For three days the fridge sat
there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided
that people were too un-trusting of this deal. It looked to good to be
true, so he changed the sign to read: "Fridge for sale $50." The next
day someone stole it.
Caution, they walk among us
====================
I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call centre.
One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call
centre was open. I told him, "The number you dialled is open 24 hours a
Day, 7 days a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or Central Time?"
Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Eastern" . .
They walk among us!
====================
My colleague and I were eating our lunch
in our cafeteria when we overheard one of the administrative assistants
talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the beach. She
drove down in a convertible, but "didn't think she'd get sunburned
because the car was moving". They walk among us!
====================
My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car it's designed to cut through a
seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the boot. They walk among
us!
====================
My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were
discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier
multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount.
They walk among us!
====================
I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring
attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, "wouldn't the chain rip
out every time she turned her head?" I explained that a person's nose and
ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned.
They walk among us!
====================
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the
lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up.
She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional
and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived
yet?"... They walk among us!
====================
While working at a pizza parlour I observed a man ordering a small pizza
to
go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut
into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding.
"Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6.
Yep, they walk among us! too.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Always keep several get-well cards on the mantle so, if unexpected
guests arrive, they will think you've been sick and unable to clean.
Übereil
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Post by Elliot Kane on Jul 14, 2006 23:09:46 GMT
Some really funny stuff here everyone! Keep 'em coming  |
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Post by Galadriel on Jul 15, 2006 11:38:51 GMT
I loved the Bush pilot movie Alrik! ;D
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Post by Ubereil on Jul 15, 2006 11:56:31 GMT
Some really funny stuff here everyone! Keep 'em coming I am, but I feel lonelly in that department  . Übereil |
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Buffy
Chaosite
Posts: 786
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Post by Buffy on Jul 15, 2006 13:10:30 GMT
More a funny pic then anything... and it kinda suits since this is a forum  |
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Post by Galadriel on Jul 15, 2006 15:00:11 GMT
whahaha!!!! Love that one Buff!! ;D
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Post by Ubereil on Jul 16, 2006 14:25:06 GMT
A beautiful blonde lady stepped onto a plane going to L.A. and sat down in first class. The flight attendant proceeded to go around the airplane checking the ticket stubs of each passenger to make sure they were all in the right seats. When she got to the Blonde woman she noticed that it was for Coach seating, not first class. She tells the woman, "You're ticket says coach maam and we have a full flight today. I'm going to have to ask you to move." To which the blonde replies, "You don't understand, I'm blonde, beautiful, I'm going to L.A. and I'm getting there in first class." Confused, the stewardess gets her supervisor. Again, she tells the woman that she must move. Again, the blonde replies, "You don't understand, I'm blonde, beautiful, I'm going to L.A. and I'm getting there in first class." Also confused, they go get the captain. He tells the woman that she must move. The blonde starts to say, "You don't understand, I'm blonde, beautiful..." when he interrupts and asks, "Can I whisper something in your ear?" "Sure" she replies and he proceeds to whisper something in her ear. Suddenly she gets up and goes back to coach seating with a look of surprise on her face. The flight attendants are startled. "How did you get her to move?" "I told her that first class wasn't going to L.A."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A blonde walks into a doctor's office. She gets in the room with the doctor and says, "Doc, I hurt all over." The doctor is really confused. He says, "What do you mean, you hurt all over?" The blonde says, "I'll show you."
She then touches herself on her leg. "OW!!! I hurt there." Then she touches her earlobe. "OW!!!!!! I hurt there too!" Then she touches her hair. "OW!!!!! EVEN MY HAIR HURTS!" So the doctor sits back and thinks on it for 5 min. Then he says, "Tell me, is blonde your natural hair color?" The blonde says "Yes, why?"
The doctor says, "Well, you got a broken finger..."
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A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at a bar in a small town.
He's going through his usual run of stupid blonde jokes, when a large, blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and says, "I've heard just about enough of your denigrating blond jokes! What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does a person's physical attributes have to do with their worth as a human being?" The ventriloquist looks on in amazement.
"It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in my community," she continued,
"and of reaching my full potential as a person because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but women at large... all in the name of humor."
Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize. The blonde interjects, "You stay out of this, mister, I'm talking to that little [nocando] on your knee!"
Übereil
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Post by Galadriel on Jul 16, 2006 14:28:39 GMT
Hey Übs, stop stealing other peoples jokes son! At least have the curtasy to put my name under it if you took them ;D
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Post by Ubereil on Jul 17, 2006 10:14:44 GMT
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Post by Tsel on Jul 17, 2006 15:57:43 GMT
ROMANCE MATHEMATICSSmart man + smart woman = romance Smart man + dumb woman = affair Dumb man + smart woman = marriage Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy OFFICE ARITHMETICSmart boss + smart employee = profit Smart boss + dumb employee = production Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime SHOPPING MATHA man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need. GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICSA woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. HAPPINESSTo be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all. LONGEVITYMarried men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die. PROPENSITY TO CHANGEA woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does. DISCUSSION TECHNIQUEA woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument. HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIEDOld aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals. 
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Post by Ubereil on Aug 9, 2006 11:18:04 GMT
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Post by Ubereil on Aug 9, 2006 15:02:45 GMT
I have a dog & I was buying a large bag of Purina at Wal-Mart and was in line to check out.
A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably
shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd
lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes
coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and
simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is
nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.
Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned. I told her no; it was because I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.
Made up (or stolen ;D) by Jurak on the Larianboard.
Übereil
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Post by Ubereil on Aug 12, 2006 19:46:45 GMT
 Übereil |
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Post by Ubereil on Aug 14, 2006 20:05:09 GMT
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BJC
Apprentice
We Own The Night
Posts: 301
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Post by BJC on Aug 14, 2006 20:19:41 GMT
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Post by winlok on Aug 14, 2006 21:13:02 GMT
My sister sent me this today and I chuckled, so I thought you all might too.
Jimmy and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jimmy suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jimmy out.
When the hospital director became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered that Edna be discharged from the hospital because she now is considered to be mentally stable.
The director went to Edna and said, "I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you're being discharged because you responded so rationally to a crisis by jumping in the pool to save the life of another patient. Your action displays soundmindedness.
The bad news is that Jimmy, the patient you saved, hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."
Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself. I put him there to dry.
So when can I go home?"
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Post by Ubereil on Aug 14, 2006 21:37:26 GMT
A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, husband No.1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it's going to be," she said.
"Husband No. 2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
"Husband No. 3 was from Field Services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
"Husband No. 4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
"Husband No. 5 was an Engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
"Husband No. 6 was from Finance and Administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
"Husband No. 7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.
"Husband No. 8 was a psychiatrist; all he ever did was talk about it.
"Husband No. 9 was a gynaecologist; all he did was look at it.
"Husband No. 10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was.. .....God I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm so excited!" said the bride.
"Good," said the husband, "but, why?"
"You're a Tax Man...... This time I KNOW I'm gonna get screwed!"
Übereil
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Post by Ubereil on Aug 14, 2006 21:53:17 GMT
HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN:
Compliment her,
cuddle her,
kiss her,
caress her,
love her,
stroke her,
tease her,
comfort her,
protect her,
hug her,
hold her,
spend money on her,
wine & dine her,
buy things for her,
listen to her,
care for her,
stand by her,
support her,
go to the ends of the earth for her...
HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN:
Show up naked.
With beer.
Übereil
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