Post by Dark Phoenix Rising on Aug 16, 2006 14:39:35 GMT
A man who went to church with his wife always fell asleep during the sermon. This irritated his wife no end so she decided to do something about it. One Sunday she took a long hatpin with her to poke him every time he would doze off.
As the preacher got to a part in the sermon where he shouted out ".... and who created all there is in 6 days and rested on the 7th.." she poked her husband who came flying out of the pew and screamed, "Good God Almighty !".
The minister said "That's right, Brother, you know that's right..." and went on with his sermon. The man sat back down, muttering under his breath, but sadly soon began to doze off again. When the minister got to ".... and who died on the cross to save us from our sins..." the wife poked him again and he jumped up and shouted, "Jesus Christ!". The minister smiled and spoke out, "that's right, Testify, Brother, Testify!" Then he proceeded with his sermon.
Frowning, the man sat back down. He closed his eyes, but this time he was wide-awake. He wasn't totally sure where the pin had come from, but he had his suspicions. The man watched his wife out of the corner of his eye. Sure enough, when the minister got to ".... and what did Eve say to Adam after the birth of their second child?" He saw his wife start to jab him again.
Without even thinking, in anger he jumped up and screamed, "If you stick that goddamn thing in me one more time, I'll break it off and stick it back in you!"
Post by Dark Phoenix Rising on Aug 18, 2006 11:16:20 GMT
A woman takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Her 9-year-old son comes home unexpectedly, so she puts him in the closet shuts the door. Her husband also comes home, so she puts her lover in the closet, with the little boy. The little boy says, "Dark in here." The man says, "Yes, it is." Boy - "I have a baseball." Man - "That's nice." Boy - "Want to buy it?" Man - "No, thanks." Boy - "My dad's outside." Man - "OK, how much?" Boy - "$250" Next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together. Boy - "Dark in here." Man - "Yes, it is." Boy - "I have a baseball glove." The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?" Boy - "$750" Man - "Fine." A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a catch." The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" Boy - "$1,000" The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that...that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess." They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door. The boy says, "Dark in here." The priest says, "Don't start that again."
Post by Dark Phoenix Rising on Aug 18, 2006 12:11:57 GMT
A Jewish Rabbi and a Catholic Priest met at the town's annual 4th of July picnic. Old friends, they began their usual banter. "This baked ham is really delicious," the priest teased the rabbi. "You really ought to try it. I know it's against your religion, but I can't understand why such a wonderful food should be forbidden! You don't know what you're missing. You just haven't lived until you've tried Mrs. Hall's prized Virginia Baked Ham. Tell me, Rabbi, when are you going to break down and try it?"
The rabbi looked at the priest with a big grin, and said, "At your wedding."
Post by Dark Phoenix Rising on Aug 18, 2006 16:11:02 GMT
According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington was recently faced with a unique problem.
A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick, they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back.
Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man.
She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.
To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.
He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
Post by Dark Phoenix Rising on Aug 21, 2006 14:07:03 GMT
FOREIGN MISINTERPRETATIONS AROUND THE WORLD...
"Bite the wax tadpole." -Coca-Cola as originally translated into Chinese
"Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the grave." -"Pepsi Comes Alive" as originally translated into Chinese
"Is forbitten to steal hotel towels please. If you are not person to do such thing is please not to read notis." -In a Tokyo Hotel
"Please to bathe inside the tub." -In a Japanese Hotel Room
"The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable." -In a Bucharest Hotel Lobby
"Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up." -In a Leipzig Elevator
"To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order." -In a Belgrade Hotel Elevator
"Please leave your values at the front desk." -In a Paris Hotel Elevator
"Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily." -In a Hotel in Athens
"The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid." -In a Yugoslavian Hotel
"You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid." -In a Japanese Hotel
"You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday." -In the Lobby of a Moscow Hotel Across from a Russian Orthodox Monastary
"Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension." -In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers
"Our wines leave you nothing to hope for." -On the Menu of a Swiss Restaurant
"Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup" with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion." -On the Menu of a Polish Hotel
"For your convenience, we recommend courageous, efficient self-service." -In a Hong Kong supermarket
"Ladies may have a fit upstairs."-Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop
"Drop your trousers here for best results." -In a Bangkok dry cleaner's
"Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation." -In a Rhodes tailor shop
"There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Aets by 15,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years." -From the Soviet Weekly
"A new swimming pool is rapidly taking shape since the contractors have thrown in the bulk of their workers." -In an East African newspaper
"In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel porter." -In a Vienna hotel
"Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose." -In a Zurich hotel
"Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time." -In a Rome laundry
"Would you like to ride on your own ass?" -Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand
"Stop: Drive Sideways." -Detour sign in Kyushi, Japan
"Special today---no ice cream." -In a Swiss mountain inn
"Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts." -In a Tokyo bar
"We take your bags and send them in all directions." -In a Copenhagen airline ticket office
"When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor." -From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo